


Sudden Desire

by rosesiris2020



Series: Petals for Armour [4]
Category: Bandom, Paramore
Genre: F/M, Petals For Armour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:53:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25681597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosesiris2020/pseuds/rosesiris2020
Summary: "I try not to think aboutWhat happened last night outside his houseToo far to go back nowJust wanna feel his hands go down"Inspired by the song 'Sudden Desire' of the album 'Petals for Armor' by Hayley Williams.
Relationships: Hayley Williams/Taylor York
Series: Petals for Armour [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1731733
Comments: 33
Kudos: 72





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello, longtime no see lol. I've been really struggling with think of anything to write about so I've been stuck watching New Girl since it just got added to UK Netflix. A plot from that show basically inspired this fic, if you recognise any elements.
> 
> I really don’t think this is all that great but i thought i’d upload it regardless to apologise in advance 
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy it!

“Refill, refill, refill,” Joey cried, waving the open champagne bottle to the group. “Who wants some more?”

Hayley held her cup above her head and wiggled it in his direction.

“Oh, here we go,” Logan drawled playfully, nodding in the direction of her cup.

The group laughed as Hayley sipped on her refilled cup, cheeks blushing. “Come on!” she protested, laughing at the group response, “I’ve even not had that many yet,” she pointed out, “this is like my third one!”

The band was on a break from touring until they embarked on their fifth and final cycle for the After Laughter album. Despite an initial break from seeing each other when they first returned home to see their families, the group continued to socialise throughout the break, making use of their time with their homes and going to bars downtown.

Hayley settled back into of Taylor’s sofa and took another sip. Since picking up drinking after the divorce, champagne had been a common drink of choice for her and her friends. Whether it was the fast effects of the bubbles had on her brain or the sophistication of the drink to match their oncoming thirties, Hayley was in full support of consuming the drink whenever it was around.

She hummed in contentment as she rested her head back against the cushion and watched her friends interact. She felt an uncontrollable grin spread on her face as she watched Zack and Brian shout and spar with each other over something trivial, laughing as waved their arms wildly. Joey was shaking his hips along to the music playing, eyes closed as he drunkenly waved his freshly bleached hair around. Taylor and Docky were chatting loudly, occasionally interrupting their conversation to shout words of support for both Zac and Brian, neither taking an actual side in the absurd argument.

Hayley’s lips twitched as she took in the scenes in front of her. She loved being home and with Alf, but she couldn’t deny her excitement to get back on the road and keep playing music with her closest friends. It had been a long time coming to feel comfortable with her new single life, and there had been points where she had almost accepted that she may never reach it. But looking around the room and watching the drunken interactions between her friends, she hadn’t felt such comfort and ease that they brought to her in a long time. It may have been from the influence of the alcohol on her body, but her throat clenched as at the realisation that she felt nothing but pure joy at this moment.

Hayley’s eyes fluttered closed as she zoned out, a hazy grin still covering her face. She nodded her head in time to the song playing and snorted as she heard Zac shriek in mock offence at whatever Brian had said. She couldn’t bring herself to join in with the ridiculous debate that was now dissolving into drunken laughter but giggled at the snippets that broke through her drunken daze.

Feeling the urge to keep going with her drink, she brought the cup to her face where her cheek was pressed against the cushion. Her eyes blinked open as it spilt down her shirt and onto the leather sofa, having completely misjudged where her mouth was compared to her hand.

“Oh shit,” she murmured, drawing back quickly to take a look at the damage on her shirt.

“You good there?” Taylor asked, turning to face where she sat next to him. He smirked at the stain on her shirt as his eyes drifted down to find the source of the commotion.

“Mmhm,” she hummed, tugging down her sleeve to wipe the liquid off the sofa. Her eyes fluttered as she turned to look Taylor’s amused face, concentrating remaining her brain power on focusing her vision. The champagne had most certainly kicked in at this point but she was unwilling to give the guys the satisfaction of knowing she was just as much of a lightweight as they teased her for being.

He grinned at her attempts to appear sober, and raised his brows. “You sure about that?”

She nodded defiantly, grinning at his unconvinced smile. “Yep,” she hummed matter of factly, popping the p, “Watch this.” She held up and finger in front of her, inches from his face and waited for his reaction. He smirked at her and tilted his head cockily, gesturing for her to continue.

“Ready?” she slurred.

“That I am,” he confirmed, eyes softening as he watched her.

Hayley jutted her jaw in defiance and focused her brain as she drew her finger to her face, aiming for her nose. Her index finger bumped into her cheek and she quickly swiped it up until she felt her nose. She grinned, trying to conceal her laughter as she shamelessly ignored her failed attempt.

He snorted in response and nodded along. “Excellent work, very sober,” he confirmed, endeared to her proud smile.

“Basically perfect,” Hayley slurred, eyes glittering.

“Basically perfect,” he confirmed, smiling softly at her.

Hayley’s stomach clenched at his words and felt it relax with a warm ease that sent tingles across her body. She knew her best friend wasn’t completely sober himself but hearing those words come out of his mouth felt good nonetheless.

Her sober brain usually would have focused on reminding her that there was no need to interpret his words as anything other than that of a loving friend. There was no denying they were closer than they ever had been but she rarely let herself consider if his feelings ever extended beyond friendship because she couldn’t risk losing such a vital part of her life over her growing attraction to one of the only men that had stuck by her through everything. There was no denying that their friendship had certainly changed since the divorce but she couldn’t let herself dwell on if that really meant something more. Hayley could get lost in analysing the way he acted towards her compared to other women in their life, but his lack of explicit action to change their relationship stumped her every time. He hadn’t shown any interested in another woman since his last break up so it wasn’t that he was taken by someone else, but she still couldn’t allow herself to believe that was because of her until he made his intentions clearer.

Her drunk brain, however, was happy to consider his words just as she really wanted to.

She beamed uncontrollably and giggled at his words, allowing herself to bask in the tingles that coursed through her body. Her limbs felt loose and heavy from the alcohol but she was sure the room was spinning from the euphoria that he created. She couldn’t help but allow herself to take the words to heart. She met his eyes and willed him to understand how much she loved hearing him talk like that. The sounds of their friends had faded into her back of her brain as she focused on him and held onto the cushion for balance.

He glanced to where she grabbed the sofa to stop her swaying before speaking again. “Even though you’ve have just shown me just how sober you are,” he grinned sarcastically, “do you think that maybe we should start to pace your drinks?” he asked, reaching for her cup, easily pulling it from her loose grip. “It’s not even that late yet, we’ve got hours left till this party winds down.”

“I’m fine,” she hiccupped, unable to stop the grin from spreading at the blatant lie.

“You sure about that, champ?"

“Erm,” she slurred as her brow furrowed as she consider what words she could use to respond. Her brain was failed to process exactly what she should answer next, and she eventually grinned lazily in response, unable to think of anything witty. “To be honest, I don’t even know,” she responded honestly, laughing at her own confusion.

“Definitely time to put the champagne down,” he confirmed, “Let’s just wait this out for a bit and you can have some more later if you feel like it.”

She hummed again, happy to allow him to take control at this point. Even drunk – and she certainly was – she knew he would take care of her. She was still reeling over his perfection comment but she had enough sense left to know she needed to calm down before she embarrassed herself further.

He raised his arm as he swigged his beer, gesturing for her to come closer. “You can lie down for a bit,” he offered as he swallowed the last of his beer, “I promise we will only give you maybe a little bit of shit for peaking this early.”

She snorted at his words and nodded, shuffling closer. She cringed at how unattractive she must look as she tried to coordinate her limbs to slink towards him. Eventually, she landed heavily under his arm, resting her cheek up against his shoulder and settling in. The room was still spinning as she closed her eyes so she blindly reached up for his hand, eventually locating it and tugging down to pull her in tighter.

“Thank you, T,” she mumbled against his shirt, appreciating his solid form keeping her still and mostly upright. “Just need a minute, and I’ll be good.”

“Take your time,” he murmured comfortingly, stroking her back absently. “There’s no rush, we’ve got hours.”

She nodded again and allowed herself to drift as the alcohol continued to hit her. She didn’t feel nauseous yet but it would have only been a matter of time if she had kept going. She groaned internally as she realised the shit the guys would give her for this, but the champagne effects were too much to attempt to pull herself together at this moment. It was better to wait out the peak and give the party another go when it faded. As long as Taylor kept her upright and still for the next ten minutes, she could get through this, and even drunk she knew he would.

\----

Hayley wasn’t sure if she had really been asleep or just fallen into an alcohol-induced daze when she eventually nudged awake.

“Hayley,” a familiar voice murmured, “You want to try waking up or do you need a bit longer?” the voice asked, squeezing her hand.

She removed her head from the comfortable spot she’d been leaning on and looked up. Blinking her eyes back into focus, she stared at Taylor who was watching her, amused by her confused state.

She groaned and shuffled back into her previous position on the sofa, rubbing her eyes. “I think I’m up,” she said, huffing out a confused laugh.

The party was still in full swing around them and she blushed at the realisation that she had been drunk enough to pass out in the middle of all of it.

“God, how long was I out?” she asked, dreading the answer.

“Maybe an hour,” Taylor said, shrugging as he sipped a fresh beer. “Zac and Brian came to the conclusion that they had both been arguing over the same thing about ten minutes after you fell asleep and they’ve been leading the limbo line ever since.”

“An hour?” she groaned, “Man, I’m sorry you had to sit with me through that.”

Taylor shrugged again, shaking his head, “Don’t worry about it, limbo’s not my thing anyway.”

Hayley smiled at him, eyes soft, “Well thank you anyway, T. I feel much steadier now.”

He waved her off and looked around the room, “You ready to start round two or are you done with the drinks for tonight?”

“Nope,” Brian interrupted, reaching over Hayley’s head to thrust a bowl of chips onto her lap and a glass of water in her hand, “Eat that and drink the whole thing and then I’ll get you something to drink if I think you’re ready for it.”

Hayley rolled her eyes before gulping the water obediently. “If this is what it takes to get some more champagne in me then I’ll do it,” she said, stuffing several chips into her mouth, suddenly feeling an urge to get back to the party as soon as she could.

“This party is only just getting started girl,” Brian pointed out, “But I’m not holding back your hair if you don’t get some food and water into that body.”

She laughed and nodded as she chewed on the remaining chips. “Let me finish this,” she offered, “and I’ll kick your ass at limbo, O’Connor.”

She offered the remaining chips to Docky and Taylor and stood up. “Woah,” she laughed as she stumbled slightly, “I’m good, I’m good,” she promised the boys who looked sceptical, “Just stood up to fast, I promise.”

“Williams, over here now,” Zac called pointing the floor beside him, “you’re on my team.”

“Erm, I think there is a significant height advantage now, just putting it out,” Brian pointed out as Hayley nodded and joined the group.

“Don’t hate the players, hate the game,” Zac said seriously, “Now less chat, more limbo!” he cried, pushing Hayley to the front of the queue.

She cheered and started to shimmy under Logan’s arm, easily passing through the round. The game continued for several rounds until only Hayley and Joey were left, both giggling at the exaggerated shimmying as they moved through the rounds.

Hayley fanned herself as Joey struggled to pass under Logan’s low arm, “This getting a bit tough for you, Joe?” she taunted competitively as she jumped from side to side. The nap had spiked her energy and left her wanting more action.

“Sweet Jesus,” he cried, as he collapsed to the floor, laughing at the loss.

Hayley and Zac cheered, jumping into a hug. “Winners, winners, winners!” they cried in unison, spinning in a circle.

“I stand by my assertions that this was rigged from the start,” Brian stated, “but good gamed nonetheless,” he relented, offering out a hand in mock-serious.

Hayley laughed and shook his waiting hand, nodding in solemnly. “Well played,” she asserted, chuckling through her attempt to be serious.

“Right,” Zac said, throwing an arm over her shoulder. “Is it just me or do we think you are ready for another drink?” he asked teasingly, as he sipped his beer.

Hayley turned to Brian and pouted, “Am I ready, mother?” she asked sarcastically

He sighed in response and waved an arm at her, “Sure, whatever girl,” he relented, “as I said, you throw up, I’m sending someone else in there to help,” he laughed.

She cheered and jumped again, energy coursing through her veins.

“Shots for the competitors!” Joey cried, approaching the group from the kitchen, carrying the glasses in his hands.

“Lord gives me strength,” Brian muttered as he watched him, accepting the glass anyway.

Zac counted off the group and they tipped the liquid into their mouth in unison. Hayley gagged at the burn as the vodka ran down her throat, before wiping her mouth and cheering.

“More?” she cried, bouncing from foot to foot.

“Woah,” Brian cried, reaching to take her glass, “maybe in a bit, I think we are good for now.”

Hayley pouted before scanning around the room, “Well I want to play something else,” she buzzed, “we need everyone to get involved though.”

Joey nodded, cupping his hands over his lips. “Game time!” he cried to the room, stumbling slightly to the side.

The remaining guests turned to look at the small group. “Hi, yes, thank you for listening,” Joey slurred slightly, “We will be requiring everyone to join in the next game, no excuses.”

“What game?” Docky called out.

Joey turned to the group, shrugging with confusion. “Erm, I don’t know yet Joseph,” he stated, “Does anyone have suggestions? Please nothing too physical, my back is still healing from limbo.”

“Something fun!” Hayley added, laughing to herself at her contribution.

“I have cards?” Taylor offered, unimpressed by his own suggestion.

“No!” Hayley exclaimed, slightly too loud, “I’m too hyped for something like that, I want to do something fun!”

Taylor snorted. “Alright then,” he said, reaching out to steady her, “There might be a drunk Jenga somewhere upstairs, I can go look to see if have it?” he offered.

“Yes!” Hayley cried immediately, nodding rapidly in excitement.

“Alright that’s one vote,” Taylor nodded to her, amused by the outburst, “Any complaints?”

The group generally agreed and Taylor nodded, searching for his beer before he left. “Okay, back in a bit,” he said casually, swigging from the bottle as he left the room.

Hayley watched him leave, smiling without reason. “What now?” she rushed out as she looked back to the rest of the group, excited to keep going.

“I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m ready to dance,” Joey stated, reaching out for her hand to pull her into the centre of the room.

Hayley grinned and clapped, “Yes!” she laughed, “this is what I’m talking about it,” she exclaimed as she danced mostly in time to the music. She stumbled slightly as Joey span her into his chest, grabbing her hips and moving them both on the same beat. Hayley tipped her head back and laughed, gesturing wildly for others to join them, “Come on! Get up!”

Hayley beamed as the boys got up to join, finally feeling the entire room adjust to her energy level. She broke from the group ran to find the phone that was connected to the music, desperate to make it louder. Her brow furrowed at the first few phones she located, disappointed to see they weren’t what she was searching for.

“It’s Taylor phone you want,” Brian pointed out, gesturing to where the iPhone lay on the table. She nodded in thanks before rushing to grab it.

“Aha!” she cried proudly as she picked up Taylor’s phone from the side table. The vodka had brought her to a fun level of tipsy and she blinked at the screen, unprepared for the brightness. Clicking the side button several times until the music was significantly louder, she grinned and dropped it carelessly onto the sofa cushion.

Her heart was racing with adrenaline as she turned to face the group, delighted to see her friends dancing uninhibitedly to the music. Her chest felt light with happiness as she watched her friends, carefree and joyful. Glad she had raised the energy of the party to her level, she found herself desperate to re-join the group and share that joy as she bounced over to them and inserted herself in the middle, waving her arms above her head recklessly.

They danced to two more songs before Taylor finally came back into the room, carrying a large box in his arms. “I come bearing gifts!” he called in a bizarre British accent, holding the box above his head.

Hayley beamed as he walked in, cheering as he poured the bricks onto the table. “Man, I am so pumped for this,” she called, slightly out of breath from the dancing.

Logan and Joey set about building the tower on the coffee table in front of them, whilst the rest of the boys took a breather and refilled their drinks.

Taylor laughed and nodded to the kitchen. “You got your drink for the game?” he asked, “Sorry, let me rephrase that actually. Do you need another drink or are you good on whatever level you are on right now?” he laughed, gesturing to her jittery body.

“You know what York,” she said conspiratorially, leaning into him, “I am going to have another drink, and I am going to win this game so I can prove that I’m not the lightweight you think I am!”

“You’ve already fallen asleep once from the alcohol Hayley,” Taylor pointed out.

“That was just a time out,” she justified, unable to stop the energy from bringing out her competitive side, “But I’m good now, and I’m ready to do whatever I need to do to win this damn game.”

Taylor held up his hands in defeat, “Hey if you say you can handle it then I believe you,” he promised before gesturing to the kitchen, “I’m refreshing mine anyway, what do you want for the game?”

“Anything mixed with vodka, I’m not fussy,” she supplied.

Taylor flashed a thumbs up and strolled into the kitchen.

Hayley moved to sit in her position on the sofa from earlier and sat back to watch the boys finish off the tower, tapping her foot in anticipation. She considered offering to help before deciding that her shaky hands from the adrenaline pumping through her veins would be of no help.

Eventually, Taylor dropped down beside her, handing her a fresh cup. He looked around the surface surrounding them, before turning to look at her, confused. “Have you seen my phone, I swear I left it on the table?” he asked, still scanning the area.

“Oh, I think I just threw on the couch somewhere,” she offered, shuffling forward to help him look.

“Threw?”

“Yeah,” she said simply, brushing past his concern. Her hand slipped under the cushion she had been sat on and pulled out the phone. “Got it!” she sang, reaching out to hand it to him, “Sorry, it’s a bit warm from my butt.”

He snorted and nodded as he accepted the phone, chuckling as it was in fact slightly warm. He clicked the button to turn the music down slightly, before gesturing for Zac to lead the game.

Zac nodded confidently, excited to lead. “Right,” he called, “listen up my beautiful friends. The game is drunk Jenja, we take turns pulling out a brick from the tower and you must complete whatever task is written on it,” he explained, “there’s no room for killjoys at my party –”

“This is my house Zac,” Taylor reminded him.

“True,” he conceded, snapping a finger gun at him, “But I am game leader, and I will not allow any task to be passed, okay?” He grinned at the reluctant agreements from the group, “that’s the spirit! Now, if you knock the tower done then you lose and the game is over, so please don’t get over-excited and do that on the first round,” he said, looking pointed at Hayley and Joey.

“Hey!” Hayley protested, starting to stand before Taylor pulled her back down, “I am going to win this game,” she reminded him.

“Sure!” Zac grinned, not believing a word she said. “Anyway, first up is,” Zac paused as he span, arm pointing out in front of him, “Logan Mckenzie!”

The group cheered as Logan stood and approached the tower. He narrowed his eyes and bent to scan the tower, eventually pushing out a middle brick near the top.

“Condiment Delivery System,” he read slowly, turning to look at Zac for clarification.

“Erm,” Zac stalled as he scanned through the table of rules, “Aha!” he chanted, “Condiment Delivery System means you have to do a shot of ketchup or drink 2 shots.”

“Gross but okay,” Logan shrugged and looked to Taylor.

“Pantry,” he explained, pointing over his shoulder in the general direction.

“Thanks,” Logan called over his shoulder as he ran to collect what he needed. He returned with the bottle in hand, squirting it into the shot glass as he walked.

“Okay then,” he said, grimacing at the shot, “cheers!” he said to the group before downing the thick liquid.

The group laughed as he winced and cheered and he placed the empty glass on the table.

“Alright Docky, you’re up,” Zac called, gesturing between him and the tower.

Hayley watched as Docky successful pulled out his brick and laughed as he followed the task and moved to sit on Joey’s lap, who squawked in shock before grinning and holding him in place.

“Taylor York!” Zac sang, grinning at his best friends reluctance.

Taylor laughed at him and stood to choose a brick. His brow scrunched as he focused and slipped a brick out from the centre.

“Drinking buddy,” he read, brows raised in bewilderment.

“Choose a drinking buddy for the rest of the game,” Zac read off the list.

Taylor laughed and pointed at him, “Guess you’re my buddy then Z,” he said, glee spreading across his face in delight.

Zac groaned before shaking his head in acceptance, “Well played York,” he said, nodding in respect.

Taylor grinned and dropped onto the sofa, nudging Hayley to take her go.

“Here we go!” she cried, as she leapt from the sofa before Zac could call her name. She scanned the tower before reluctantly choosing a centre brick, “I would choose a harder brick but I’m in this to win it,” she reminded the room before she read her task. “Corner master,” she called, looking to Zac for guidance.

“You must touch every corner in the room in under ten seconds or take 2 shots.”

“Shit, this is a big room and I'm not!” she cried, waving her arms around in emphasis.

Zac shrugged, not sympathetic in the slightest, “I guess you better get those legs moving then, Williams.”

She grinned at the challenge and took off, moving her legs as fast as possible. She let out an undignified cry as the group neared to the end of the countdown when she set off for her last corner.

“Yes, yes, yes,” she chanted as she approached it with seconds to spare, slapping the wall loudly as she finished the challenge. “Yes!” she screamed, jumping up and down in excitement. “What did I tell you guys? I am so going to win this thing!” she grinned maniacally as she strutted back to the table, almost feeling sick with excitement.

Brian nodded and widened his eyes as he nodded sarcastically, “Great job sweetie,” he said, gesturing the sofa, “now pop a squat so I can take my turn.”

She stuck out her tongue in response, but dropping down on the sofa, turning to grin directly at Taylor. “See?” she shrugged cockily, “Do I seem too drunk to play now?”

He shook his head, brows raised. “I don’t what you are right now, but you were right,” he conceded, “you are in it to win it.”

“Hell yeah,” she nodded, taking a quick sip of her drink, before settling back into the cushion to watch the rounds continue. Her body was still shaking with energy and her need to win was consuming her as she watched her friends complete the tasks and take shots, and she frankly couldn’t remember feeling this alive in years.

The tower gradually emptied but remained strong as the group moved through the rounds, gradually becoming drunker and louder. Hayley dutifully took another shot when chosen by Joey to do so, welcoming the alcohol as her buzz was no longer from the drink but her passionate need to win the game.

She laughed hard as Docky pulled the brick which forced him to skip his go, before reaching over to smack Taylor’s thigh, gesturing for him to hurry to the tower. “Come on, York, keep it moving!” she urged.

“Alright, alright,” he calmed her, chuckling as he placed his beer down on to the table. He squatted to choose his brick, exaggerating his concentration before eventually sliding one out. “Liberal Casanova?” he asked Zac, who nodded as he scrolled through the list.

Zac’s eyes widened and snapped his head to Taylor, “Oh shit,” he winced.

“What?” Taylor asked, concern seeping into his voice at Zac's reaction, “It’s fine Zac, just tell me,” he said, running a hand through his hair, betraying his nerves.

Zac tilted the screen to Brian, who snorted before staring at Hayley, “Oh my god,” he laughed, almost morbid.

“Zac, come one!” Taylor urged, “I’ll do whatever it is, I don’t mind but just tell me what it is.”

Zac winced at the choice of words before looking at his best friend, almost apologetic. “Erm,” he began, coughing awkwardly, “the rule is that you must go outside and kiss the person to your left,” he ground out, trailing off as he finished.

Taylor remained silent, before turning to look at the person to his left. Hayley.

“Okay well obviously we don’t have -” he began.

“Let’s do it!” Hayley asserted, standing up, “Come on, I told you, I’m not losing this game!” Her own confident words shocked her, but the need to win was all-consuming and the alcohol was making her brave.

Taylor stared at her in disbelief. “What? No -”

“Come on T, I’m not losing this game,” she said, reaching for his arm.

“This is such a bad idea!” he protested, looking around the room for support. The rest of the group shrugged and gestured to the door.

“The rules are the rules,” Brian reminded him sweetly, chuckling at the deep red blush that was covering his cheeks.

“Come on T,” Hayley taunted, boldly pulling him towards the door. Her stomach was tingling after hearing the task and she was struggling to believe his protests were completely genuine as he allowed her to drag him. Taylor was over half a foot taller than her, he could hold his ground against her if he really wanted to. “Let’s just suck it up and kiss a little.”

“Oh my god, this is not happening,” Taylor groaned, as she pulled him closer to the door. “Zac, come one, you know that one isn’t a good idea.”

Zac grimaced sympathetically for his friend before shrugging, “Sorry man, I didn’t write these.”

Taylor glared at him as Hayley opened the door and pulled him outside, jaw clenched at the smug faces of the group.

“Oh my god,” he muttered repeatedly, dragging his hands over his face as he paced the porch. “This is so bad.”

“Rude,” Hayley scoffed, “Come here and let’s do this,” she grinned, waving him over before closing her eyes and puckering her lips exaggeratedly.

“Hayley stop,” he warned her as he stood still at the far end of the porch.

“What? You don’t want to kiss me,” she said, brows furrowed as she scowled. The energy coursing through her at that moment was overwhelming and his reluctance was dampening her natural high.

“No, it’s not that,” he started, sighing heavily, running a shaky hand through his hair.

“What is it then?” she demanded, slowly becoming more frustrated at his reluctance. Had she been reading him completely wrong for the last few months? She stared at him as the faint chants of ‘kiss, kiss, kiss’ echoed out from the house.

“I can’t explain it,” he began.

“Well let’s just do it for the game and get it over with then!” she demanded as she boldly strode over to him.

“No, Hayley,” he cried, eyes wide with his own frustration.

“I’m not losing this game!” she reminded him, voice rising slightly.

“Come on, Hayley, this is such a bad idea!” he pleaded, voice matching her own.

“Taylor just kiss me!”

“No!”

“ God, Taylor, just kiss me already!”

“No!” he cried louder, “Not like this!”

They stood in silence as they stared at each other, both processing his words.

Hayley felt the air draw out of her lungs as she stared at him, shocked by his own admission.

“What?”

“Erm,” he coughed, “I didn’t mean -” he stumbled out, dropping his gaze

“What?” Hayley asked again quietly, trying to hide the slight lilt of surprised delight at his words. She could feel the edges of her lips quirk upwards as she watched him scramble to cover accidental confession.

“No, Hayley,” he mumbled, unable to explain himself, “It’s not – it’s just,” he rubbed his eyes in frustration as he failed to get his words out, “I didn’t mean it like that,” he winced, “I mean we can’t because – ”He trailed off, unable to say anything else.

Hayley stared at him, trying to understand what he was saying. She hated watching him struggle with his words but couldn’t stop her stomach clenching at his declaration that he didn’t want to kiss her like this, in this specific situation. The burst in tension had quickly drained the competitive hype she had been running on but a small simmer remained in her gut, stunned by him and hopeful for him to make a move.

Her eyes softened as he stared at her, practically begging her to drop it.

She swallowed as she searched for words to say to him. She gaped as her eyes widened, unsure whether to be delighted or mortified.

“I’m sorry,” he finally choked out, “I can’t right now,” he said, gesturing between them and then to their surroundings and the house, “I’ll tell the guys we did it so you don’t lose the challenge either,” he mumbled, cringing apologetically.

“Taylor, wait,” she tried to soothe him.

“No, no, it’s fine,” he chuckled awkwardly, waving her off as he paced to the door.

“Taylor,” she begged, desperate for him to acknowledge what had just happened. “Let’s just talk about it, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Please, Hayley, let's just drop it,” he pleaded as he reached for the door.

Her stomach dropped, unsure what to do to fix this. She wanted to beg him to talk to her properly but she could see from the rigid posture he wanted to get out of this situation and away from her as quickly as possibly

She nodded softly and swallowed hard, completely drained of all of her buzz from before.

“Thanks,” he mumbled softly and pushed open the door, unable to meet her eye anymore.

They were immediately met with smug cheers from the group as they returned to the sofas They both nodded politely, allowing the guys to believe they had completed the task as Taylor swerved to in the empty spot next to Zac, who elbowed him teasingly.

Hayley watched as he smiled awkwardly at his friend, before urging him to continue the game. Luckily Zac seemed too drunk and unaware of the pure self-loathing that was radiating off Taylor if you knew him well enough.

Hayley cringed and wanted to soothe him as he stared off into space, zoning out of the game and biting his lip in concern. She was gutted that that had gone so poorly when it could have been the an opportunity for them, but her need to comfort and reassure him overwhelmed any desire she had now to win the game. She knew he’d be mortified if she said anything about it in front of the guys so she sat back into the cushion, occasionally darting looks to him to check up.

The game ended shortly after when Joey drunkenly knocked the tower over, using his uncoordinated limbs to smack it down without meaning to. The guys cheered as it crashed to the ground, clearly surprising Taylor out of his deep daze when he startled at the sound. Hayley sighed in relief that it was over, but smiled politely along with the rest.

The effects of the alcohol consumed during the game had clearly taken its toll on the group and they slouched back on the sofas, garbling through tired slurred words. Hayley sat quietly as she watched Taylor sat upright against the corner of his sofa, picking at the label on his now lukewarm bottle.

Her head tilted in sympathy as her lips twitched downwards, unsure of how to help him or what to even say right now. She knew he'd be beating himself up inside his head, frustrated with himself for revealing what he did. She wanted to reassure him that it was all okay, that it meant something more than just a game to her to, but there was no way he would be willing to even begin that discussion right now.

The boys only lasted around ten more minutes before Brian eventually suggested leaving to go home. He was met with murmured agreements as they dragged themselves up off the sofas and began to search for their belongings.

“Joe, do you need some help?” Hayley asked as she approached, reaching out to steady his nearly flimsy body.

“Yes please,” he slurred out gratefully, unable to keep his eyes from drifting shut.

Hayley stroked his back to console him, looking around for his jacket. “Do you want me to call a cab for you?” she asked gently, pushing his keys into his pocket whilst keeping him upright.

“No, it’s okay,” he mumbled, “Docky’s got one coming now,” he mumbled, as he loosely held on to the jacket that Hayley handed him.

“Ooft,” Hayley wheezed as Joey leaned his weight onto her, needing her support as she led him through the house. The rest of the guys were slowly filtering onto the street outside, waiting for taxis to turn up.

“Watch your step,” she reminded him as they slowly took the steps one by one. “If you fall, I’m going to go with you,” she chuckled lightly as he snorted to hard at her lame attempt of a joke.

“Good job,” she praised him as they finished the steps, before leading him to join the other guys who were swaying slightly and talking too loud.

Docky turned to watch them approach before gesturing for Joey. “Here, I’ve got him,” he offered, as he reached to transfer Joey’s deadweight from Hayley to himself.

Hayley sighed in relief at the missing weight and patted Docky’s shoulder in thanks. She turned to watch the door as Taylor helped Zac out, reluctantly accepting his drunk embrace. Hayley usually would have laughed at Zac’s antics if Taylor’s body wasn’t practically burning with regret.

Zac eventually let go of him and stumbled to grab the bannister to help him down the stairs. He stumbled down the driveway, grinning at Hayley with drunken joy.

“Hayley,” he cried loudly, flinging his arms open to her, “Amazing work today!” he slurred. Hayley chuckled at his words, assuming he was talking about the game.

“No problem,’ she said confused, patting his back affectionately.

Zac pulled back and blinked as he refocused his eyes. He leaned closer to Hayley’s ear before slurring, “I’m so glad that Taylor finally made his move,” he said honestly, “I know he wanted to but I didn’t think he would have had the balls.”

Hayley’s eyes widened at his words and pulled back to look at him, desperate to see if he was kidding.

She groaned as Zac’s eyes had already slipped out of focused as he watched the oncoming lights, clearly completely unaware of what he just said. “Oh the taxis are here!” he called as if the rest of the group weren’t looking in the same direction.

Hayley took a step back and watched as the boys piled into the taxis, shoving uncoordinated limbs over so they could fit in. Hayley would have usually laughed at the scene if Zac hadn’t just left her hanging with that information.

Her brain ran a hundred miles a minute as she processed it whilst waving to the boys as the taxis departed. Zac had implied this had been something Taylor had discussed with him before, confirming that his reaction was to the situation rather the kiss itself.

She sighed, unsure of how to proceed now. It was clear Taylor wasn’t interested in discussing this further and probably wouldn’t be in the mood to talk to her for a while. Her stomach sank at the thought of the tour she had set her hopes on being ruined by one juvenile drinking game challenge because she’d pushed him too hard, not thinking what it all really meant to them.

Worse than that, she ached at the thought that this would drive a wedge between them if they couldn’t sort through it. It was only hours ago she was reminiscing on how far they had come in their friendship and the potential they have together if they could manage to jump that hurdle.

She swallowed heavily as she realised they’d failed before they even really tried

She shook her head and turned back to the house to gather her things so she could leave. Taylor was stood in the door, jaw clenched as he watched her trudge heavily up the steps to his house.

She stopped in front of him and stared, unable to think of anything to say right now. She knew him so well but she’d never felt more disconnected from him.

He stared back, regret clearly filling his eyes.

They watched in silence, neither sure what to do.

She sighed and moved past him back into the house, ensuring not the touch him. She strode through the living room, determined to gather her things quickly and get out of his way, give him time away from her.

Pulling her bag onto her shoulder, she shuffled through it to check she had her keys and phone. Enough to get her home at least.

She turned quickly again to leave his house, resigned to call a taxi whilst she waited outside. It was better than forcing him to sit here with her.

She sighed heavily as she stepped through the door to onto the porch where he hadn’t moved from. She turned to look at him and paused, giving him the chance to say anything. She searched his eyes for something, trying to convince him that he was safe to at least just talk to her.

She bit lip as she waited, before shaking her head, realising it was a lost cause. She had to swallow the lump in her throat she could say anything else.

“Well thanks for hosting,” she said quietly, shrugging unsure of what else to say. “Goodnight T,” she said softly, reaching out to touch his arm gently.

He nodded, eyes averted. It was as much as an acknowledgement she was going to get.

She nodded in response and reluctantly turned to leave.

She jumped in surprised as he grabbed her arm and pulled her to him before she could completely turn away. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in, silencing her squeak in confusion as he met her lips.

She barely had time to register what was happening before he moved his hands to grip her waist and deepened the kiss. She quickly followed suit and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, pulling his face in tighter to join the kiss.

A heart-pounding, flutter inducing, soul-stirring kiss.

He quickly took control of the kiss, parting her lips with his and allowing their tongues to entwine. His hands continued to roam as she groaned, trying to convey how much she wanted his.

They breathed heavily as their mouths shifted, unable to get enough of each other. He pulled her up and closer, almost lifting her off her toes and he pulled her impossibly tighter.

Hayley slipped her arms from around his shoulder to grip at his neck, threading her fingers through the soft hairs at the back of his head. She felt dizzy from the intensity but pushed in harder, unwilling to let this end.

Eventually, Taylor slowed, drawing back suddenly to press their foreheads together. They both released ragged breaths.

Taylor pressed deep pecks against her lips, still holding her close as they caught their breaths.

Finally, he kissed her deep and slow one more time before pulling his head back.

Hayley glanced up at him, shock and elation etched into her face.

She faltered when she saw him staring back seriously, looking directly into her eyes.

“I am meant something more like that,” he croaked out, slowly letting go of his grip around her waist.

His face was unreadable as he turned and walked into his house, shoulders hunched.

He dropped his head as he closed the door, refusing to look at her any further.

She gaped and stared at him, unable to process what exactly had just happened.

The door shut softly as she stared at it, unsure of what to do now.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry for taking a while to update, I was stuck for inspiration on how to continue this but this was what I eventually came up with!
> 
> I realised the past few stories i’ve written have always placed blame on Hayley so I thought I’d give that trope a rest and try and present Taylor as a more flawed person that how the fandom likes to always view him.
> 
> Let me know what you think!

The silence lasted until the beginning of tour five.

Hayley wasn’t sure what she had been expecting but the radio silence was still as a shock. For the past year or so, Taylor had been her rock, and vice versa. The complete cut in communication was a punch in the gut, a literal cut to a lifeline.

She’d honestly predicted for it to go either way. Taylor was a master in masking his emotions and pushing on for the good of the band when they needed it, but he also had a deeply emotional side he didn’t show off too often. The last time she’d seen it directed at her was over a decade ago in Malibu when she’d first sang the lyrics to Ignorance in front of the band. He’d been so angry at her, but now in reflection she wasn’t sure if it was because of her or the threat it posed to the band.

She was stuck wondering the same thing now.

They’d made it through the rehearsals for the tour without too much of a fuss. Taylor was withdrawn from the process but it hadn’t been concerning to the majority. He could be quiet when he wanted to, and he always took the band seriously. Only Hayley had noticed that he wouldn’t look at her. He would glare at the floor when she was near, eyes wide or clench his jaw, leaving the rest of the group to pick up the slack and respond to her questions.

Most of the time she’d breathe through the anger that the silence brought. She let it go because she knew he was struggling with what had happened, he didn’t need her to push him any more than she already had. The kiss had happened, she didn’t see why it had to ruin anything but clearly he did. His body was practically screaming regret so she had let it go because it’s clearly what he needed.

She cared about what he needed, more than anything.

But even Hayley had her limits.

It hit a boiling point when they arrived in Syracuse, four stops into the tour. The tour had started great, the band sounded great and their dynamics had never been stronger. The shows were energetic and the crowd was reacting accordingly, screaming adoringly as they bounced about the stage. But the cold shadow Taylor’s presence cast over Hayley was grating on her brain.

They’d toned down their stage interactions since tour one, an unspoken agreement that rumours didn’t need to be spread any further with everything that was already wreaking havoc in Hayley’s personal life. But Taylor’s attempts to block her out completely without causing a scene were becoming more apparent to everyone around them, on and off stage.

Justin hadn’t said anything but Hayley could see it in his frown when Taylor turned down his offers to get food with them that he wasn’t convinced everything was okay. Joey had become an unexpected confidante to Hayley over the last few tours and his darting glances to Taylor’s brooding presence told her that he knew something wasn’t right. The band had grown up since their first few albums, and she knew they wouldn’t involve themselves in the drama between two grown adults. But it bothered her nonetheless that it was obvious that everyone knew something was wrong. It was embarrassing and he wouldn’t let her fix it.

The problem hit its peak on the tour bus. The band had the day off before the show that night and the boys had expressed an interest in getting lunch before soundcheck. Hayley rolled her eyes when Taylor only agreed to go after she had declined, clearly holding out to see if she was going to be present before committing to plans. His petty attempts to avoid her were quickly becoming frustrating and she had to stop herself from tutting loudly in response.

Since they had started writing the album, she’d made an active effort to pay more attention to his emotions and be more supportive of his struggles, but her sympathy only extended so far. If he had been willing to work out like the adults they claimed to be, she would have respected his silence much longer. But his passive-aggressive silence had grown to be infuriating and she could feel the breaking point looming.

Hayley declined the lunch plans, wanting some much needed time alone. She loved the guys and was truly grateful to have them in her life, one moody guitarist currently excluded, but she really just needed to process everything going on alone. Tour didn’t present many opportunities for that and an empty bus was a novelty that only came about every few weeks. She was willing to forgo going out for lunch if she could have this time to herself.

She’d waved the boys off, nostrils flaring at the sight of Taylor pacing away, not looking to say goodbye like he usually would. She plastered on a smile for the rest of the band anyway, smirking and shaking her head as Joey launched himself on Zac’s back to be carried across the venue’s parking lot. Hayley waited until the sound of their chatter faded before turning to march up the stairs, ready to take advantage of the free time as much as possible. She rubbed her eyes, exhausted from change in lifestyle that tour brought.

She refused to acknowledge that the tiredness could be Taylor related.

His behaviour had now pushed her past the point of feeling sad for him, and now the resentment of his actions was weighing heavily. She shook her head as she stared at her bunk. If she didn’t dwell on it, it wouldn’t affect her too much. Her logic may be flawed but pushing it down seemed easier than anything else right now.

Hayley kicked off her shoes and slipped into the bunk, pulling the curtain shut. This was practically her natural habitat at this rate, and the enclosed space felt safe and comforting for her, despite what most people would imagine. If felt like a personal haven, designed perfectly for her small body and hiding her from the occasionally gross boy habits she willing surrounded herself with.

She signed and reached back to grab her pillow, adjusting it to prop it up to support her head. She didn’t want to nap right now and then mess up her sleep schedule later. Despite the heavyweight of tiredness that cloaked her body, she knew it was smarter to leave it like that than risk being up until the early hours of the morning because of her nap.

Shifting onto her side, Hayley opened her phone and scrolled through the multiple apps she had downloaded, willing for anything to grab her attention. She probably had over an hour before the guys would be back, and she intended to use that to zone out of everything happening right now. If scrolling through fan accounts would relax her, then so be it.

She wasn’t sure how long she had been scrolling for before the sound of the bus door thudding open broke her attention from the screen. She blinked at the sound, debating whether to acknowledge it or stay hidden in the bunk. Internally she wanted to know if she could be of help to whoever had gotten on the bus, but she had been enjoying the rare silence of the bus.

Hayley shook her head and looked back to her phone, trying to blur out the rummaging on the other side of the curtain. Without a doubt it would be someone like Zac, searching for the phone he had inevitably forgotten in the excitement to leave the bus, and Hayley wasn’t sure if she wanted to get involved. She loved her friends and would do pretty much anything for them, but the bunk was so comfy and this was her time alone. Phones could be located without her help.

She stayed silent and tried to focus on the phone screen, liking a few fan accounts that had posted videos from the last few nights. The sound of footsteps strolling around the bus was distracting but she shuffled into another position, hoping whoever it was would find what they needed. She shuffled and scanned the bunk, searching for some headphones to block out the sound and the growing guilt she felt from ignoring them.

Hayley fumbled her hands along the mattress, willing them to connect with the wires. She groaned internally when her hand came up empty and sighed heavily, debating what to do. It would be easier to just help whoever was in need and get back to her alone time, but she had been looking forward to being alone all day.

She gritted her teeth and she debated internally before reaching for the curtain.

Slipping out the bunk quietly, Hayley looked down the corridor to locate the sound. The rummaging was coming from the back lounge where they had all been chatting earlier.

She shuffled forward towards the door, mentally preparing to help whoever was in need, resenting the quick end to her alone time.

Hayley faulted at the familiar body bent over the sofa, searching for something. She winced and glanced back to the bunks, assessing if it was possible to leave without making a sound. She grimaced and sighed as leaving quietly wasn’t an option.

“Hey T,” she said quietly, unsure of how to act. This was the first time they had been alone in weeks.

Taylor whipped his head around at the sound, his jaw gutting as he saw her. He grunted in response, flicking his chin slightly in acknowledgement before turning back to continue his search.

Hayley resisted the urge to roll her eyes at his attitude. “Do you need help looking for something?” she offered, gesturing to the sofa.

“No, I’ve got it,” he mumbled back, turning to brush past her to scan the shelves. Hayley watched as he browsed the area, annoyed that he wouldn’t even look at her.

“Well can you tell me what you’re looking for at least?” she said.

Taylor grabbed something off the shelf and turned to her, holding his wallet up in front of his face.

“Got it,” he said pointedly and moved to slide past her through the doorway where she stood.

Hayley gapped at his standoffish behaviour, unsure what to say next. This wasn’t any different to how he had been acting for the past few weeks but this was the first time they had been alone and she was shocked that he was dragging it out even now.

Her jaw clenched as he strolled through the bus, back to her. He was acting as if she wasn’t even there. The urge to scream or throw something in exasperation was bubbling. She would do it if she thought it would actually work.

“Do you know what you guys are getting for lunch?” she asked in a last-ditch attempt of conversation, lips pressing into a thin line as she waited for his inevitably disinterested answer. She’d let him get away with this in front of the boys because it was clear he was hurting from what had happened, but now it just seemed like plain immaturity.

“Don’t know,” he called back, pressing the button to open the door.

Hayley’s nostrils flared as she glared at his head disappear from view as he left the bus. He was treating her like a stranger, and even then he wouldn’t be this rude to someone he didn’t know.

She shook her head and stomped down the aisle, unable to let this slide. The Taylor she knew and loved could be distant, but never cold, and especially not to her.

“Hey,” Hayley called out, challenging him from the bus steps.

Taylor was facing away from her, stood still to presumably light a cigarette. His shoulders hunched slightly but he made no effort to face her.

“Hey!” Hayley called again, voice raising as irritation bubbling in her stomach as she rushed down the steps.

Taylor made no move to look at her, but Hayley’s quick legs caught up to him before he could start to walk away.

“Taylor, just look at me,” she said, grabbing his arm.

Taylor stared at her, glancing down at her grip on his bicep. His jaw was tight as he fumbled with the lighter and his eyebrow twitched as he shook off her hand.

“Hayley, it’s fine,” he said, trying to wave her off.

Hayley’s eyes widened at his words, her brain unable to even comprehend why he would say that. It clearly wasn’t fine. Nothing about them was fine at the moment but he wouldn’t even let her try and fix it.

“It’s not fine, Taylor,” she responded as irritation spiked hard and fast in her throat. “How can you tell me anything is fine when you’re acting like this.” 

“I’m not acting like anything,” he responded, uninterested.

“Oh come the fuck on Taylor,” Hayley groaned, every ounce of sympathy she had for him draining out of her body. “You won’t look at me, you won’t speak to me, you barely even want to be in the same room as me,” she pointed out, “so don’t try and act like nothing’s wrong when clearly there is.”

Taylor glared at her. “Let’s not make a big deal of this, it’s fine,” he insisted, scanning the venue parking lot for stray fans.

Hayley gritted her teeth and grabbed his shoulder to face him. “Okay, you know what?” she cried incredulously, looking directly at him, “I’m sorry that I pushed you. I’m sorry that I took the game too far and trivialised something that was too important to be a challenge in a game but you don’t get to act like this to me,” she said, voice rising as she pointed between them.

Taylor stared at her, words escaping him.

“You kissed me,” Hayley continued, looking at him pointedly, “you kissed me and now you’re acting like nothing happened and that I don’t exist,” she said, voice wobbling unexpectedly. She gulped and steadied herself before continuing, “So sure, blame me for being insensitive to the feelings you and I both know exist, and I am truly sorry that it all happened this way,” she urged, “but you don’t get to act like I’m the only one who messed up in this situation.”

Hayley breathed out heavily as she wrapped her arms around herself. She hadn’t expected to say half of that but she wasn’t sorry. Everything she said was true and he didn’t deserve to treat her like this anymore.

Taylor gulped and dropped his head, using his fingers to rub his brow.

“Hayley,” he croaked out, voice laced with guilt and reluctance.

“I’m sorry if that was harsh,” Hayley said, still catching her breath, “but it’s true.” She reached and squeezed his forearm, “I wish I could take back the way I acted, and I’m sorry if you think I wasn’t taking it or you seriously, Taylor. The last thing I wanted to do was ruin that moment for us,” she smiled lightly as Taylor glanced up at the implications of her words, “but I’m not going to let you act this way before you give us a chance to work through what happened.”

“Hayley, I-” Taylor began, voice weak.

“We don’t need to do this now,” Hayley said, shaking her head softly, “We shouldn’t do this now. I just couldn’t let this continue without saying anything,” she said, waving her arms around her, “and this is how I feel so,” she drifted off quietly, shrugging slightly.

“I wasn’t trying to be a dick,” Taylor began, cringing at his behaviour, “I just didn’t know what to do after – ” he cut himself off, willing for her to understand.

Hayley knew he was referring to the kiss on his porch and nodded sweetly. “I know you didn’t but it still hurt,” she said sadly.

“God Hayley, I’m so sorry,” Taylor groaned, rubbing his entire hand over his face. The unsmoked cigarette dangled in his other hand.

“Let’s not do this now T,” she said, gesturing around her. “We are definitely going to talk about this properly at some point, but maybe not now.”

All the anger and rage she had felt only minutes before had disappeared. She knew that it was her feelings for him meant that she struggled to see him uncomfortable or upset, but she felt to tender, too exposed to have that next conversation just yet. She certainly hadn’t prepared her rant but she at least wanted to get her thoughts straight before they had what will almost definitively be a draining conversation. It was going to be make or break for their relationship and she wasn’t willing to do that in a parking lot during their lunch break.

Taylor nodded, unsure what to say next.

Hayley waved him off and pointed towards the exit. “Go get some lunch T,” she said lightly, “the guys will be waiting for you.”

Taylor looked at her, clearly unsure if he should leave. She smiled softly at him and pushed him lightly in the direction. “Go on, I’m good,” she promised, “I just had to get that off my chest, I’m not going to have a meltdown on the bus or something.”

Taylor nodded slowly, regret and guilt evident in his eyes.

“I am really sorry Hayley,” he said quietly, clearly ashamed of the way he had acted. “I didn’t think of it like that.”

“We can talk about it later,” she promised as she turned to walk back to the bus, “Go and enjoy your lunch.”

She waved and walked straight back to the bus, refusing to turn around and look at him. She knew him well enough to know that he would be watching her, unsure whether to leave. As much as she wanted to sort it all out, they needed some time apart to think about it all without resenting each other and they wouldn’t get that if he didn’t leave to go and join the boys. The hint of a thrilling strangeness gnawed at her gut as she considered where they would go from here. They had acknowledgement that neither were angry at the kiss, but the situation it happened it in. That was the closest they had gotten to speaking about their feelings for each other in a long time.

The bus was quiet, but this quiet was a sigh of relief instead of the tense silence that existed before she’d forced Taylor to acknowledge how he was acting. There was no unspoken anger lurking in the shadows.

Hayley slumped into her bunk and sighed heavily, emotionally drained from the unexpected rant. She knew it was necessary and she didn’t regret it for a moment but shouting at someone you care for always took its toll.

She adjusted the pillow and reconsidered her earlier choice to not have a nap. If she was going to make it through the show after the dramatics of the afternoon, she was going to need to recharge.

She pulled the curtain shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we go! I hope you enjoyed it, sorry if it's not great but this was all I could think of to follow up from the last chapter! Please let me know what you think and if you enjoyed it!
> 
> Also thanks to those of you who reached out and gave me words of encouragement, it really helps to motivate me to think of ideas and try and get back to writing!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! I'm REALLY sorry about the massive massive delay with this chapter, I wrote the first two chapter without any direction and I've really struggled with where to take this! This is more of a filler chapter but I think I might get the next chapter that has more action out with the next day or two!
> 
> Hope you enjoy and sorry again about the wait!

It was days before they managed to talk properly.

Touring was one of her favourite parts of the job but the lack of true privacy took its toll. Especially when it was all you could think about.

They had a few chances. The first time was when Zac had led the boys on a night out in Boston and Justin went on a walk around town to ring home, leaving the tour bus empty for the night. They were only thirty minutes into the movie they’d put on in the background whilst they danced around the topic before Joey came stumbling up the stairs, needing Hayley’s assistance to fold his long drunken limbs into his bunk.

After the first interruption, they barely had the chance to even make eye contact before one of them was rushed off by one of the guys to hang out or for work commitments they apparently couldn’t miss. They’d managed small talk throughout the days, but the moment was never right to even plan for the conversation they were going to have.

The longer it dragged out, the worse it loomed in Hayley’s head. She was aching to speak to him properly, her heart sank every time they were somehow prevented. They'd left the argument on a relatively positive note and they'd sort of acknowledged the feelings that were there. The conversation was just to talk it out but with each failed attempt, the more she just wanted to get it over with. She could tell from practically everything about him that Taylor still felt guilty about how he’d acted towards her, no matter how many reassuring smiles she gave him from across whatever room they were in. She always took it so personally when he was hurting and yet her brain knew she was right to call him out.

Only a proper conversation could settle this all and there was seemingly no window of opportunity for that to happen.

\--

The green room was loud as Hayley walked into the corridor, her wash bag in hand. The venue they’d played at tonight had nice showers so the band had stuck around to freshen up after the gig since showering on a full bus was usually more hassle than it was worth.

She smiled at Justin as he waited outside the men’s bathroom, shaking her washbag at him as she pushed open the door to the female showers. He laughed as she stuck out her tongue, eyebrows waggling.

“Perk’s of being the only girl in the band, huh?” she called out behind her, grinning as she heard his huff of laughter before the door shut.

She dropped her bag onto the sink and routed around for her makeup remover, humming along to the faint hum of music still playing from the venue as fans left. She wasn’t the sweatiest performer but she was still eager to rid herself from the layer of grime that formed from being on stage.

Her body was heavy with fatigue and her muscles ached as she hurriedly peeled off her stage clothes, keen to get clean and fall into her bunk. Despite everything going on, she’d found herself enjoying the shows even more recently and dancing and singing with more passion than she had done since the album came out. She was relieved she that she could experience actual joy again whilst on stage, but with every ounce of extra effort she put in, she could feel it burn in her muscles the next day.

The shower only took her ten minutes as she worked through her routine quickly, before she ready to pull on her clothes to head back to the bus. Hayley grimaced at the sensation of pulling on socks over her wet feet before shoving her Vans on anyway, now desperate to just get back to the bus and rest her tired body.

She grabbed her washbag from the sink and dropped the various bottles she used back into the bag on the way out, digging through it to check she hadn’t forgotten anything.

Hayley gasped involuntarily as she collided with a firm body.

“Shit sorry,” she wheezed, glancing up quickly to see who she’d hit.

Taylor blinked as they made eye contact, shocked by the collision. Hayley tried to stop a grin forming as his face softened at the sight of her, mouth opening slightly although no words came out.

They stared at each other for a moment before Taylor finally shifted, dropping his hands away from her hips that he’d grabbed to stabilise her only seconds earlier. Hayley blushed as she felt the skin there tingle from his touch.

“Sorry,” Taylor laughed awkwardly, jamming his fingers in his back pockets.

“It’s fine,” she reassured him, acutely aware this was the closest they’d been since their fumbled attempt at a conversation on the bus in Boston.

Taylor nodded before pursing his lips. “So how was the show?” he asked somewhat casually, shifting on his heels.

“The one we just did together?” Hayley laughed, pointing over the shoulder towards the stage entrance.

It was Taylor’s turn to blush as she laughed at his attempt at small talk. “Yeah, that’s the one,” he agreed, a smile breaking out as he laughed at himself.

“It was really good,” she smiled as she adjusted her bag to sit on her hip, “super high energy tonight which was fun.”

Taylor nodded and gestured to his shirt, pulling damp sections away from his body. “Yeah tell me about it,” he agreed, grinning as he surveyed the sweat.

Hayley couldn’t decide if it was the boyish smile on his face or the little sweat-soaked curls that stuck to his forehead that made her heart clench as she watched him. Realistically she knew it hadn’t even been that long since the party but standing this close to him after only a few days of distance reminded her of a fact she'd learned in the past few years. The fact that just being near him was enough to make her happy.

The corridor around them was empty, only the sounds of laughter coming from the green room and the hum of music from the venue to interrupt them. They would probably still have another hour before the buses left and Hayley couldn’t stop herself from seeing this as an opportunity to talk had finally presented itself. It was on her mind anytime she saw him and there were hundreds of rooms in the venue that no one used where they could talk without someone finding them.

A burst of determination hit her. The simple joy he’d brought to her during this small interaction was enough to spur her into getting their situation sorted so they could move on to whatever it was that they were going to do next. Hayley felt a pull in her gut as she considered just what the conversation could do for their relationship. She wasn't even sure what she wanted but she knew she wanted him.

Hayley grabbed his arm to draw his attention back to her before stopping herself as he looked up and pointed over his shoulder. “Man, I smell so gross right now,” he grimaced, stepping back slightly in apology as he wiped his brow, “I actually can’t wait to have a real shower.”

Hayley blinked as her hopeful plan was shot to hell in seconds. She couldn’t deny him a post-show shower and force him to sit in his sweaty clothes whilst they had this potentially life-changing conversation.

“Right now?” she asked, trying to remain casual as her sudden hope was fading.

“Yeah, Joey’s waiting for me to have one because apparently ‘he wants to take his time’,” Taylor laughed glancing back at the green room where their bandmates were.

Hayley grimaced through a smile as she nodded, brain firing through options of what to do now. She didn’t want to let him leave now that she finally had him to herself and the need to sort through their issues was killing her.

Her eyes widened.

“Okay, hang on one moment,” she said, grabbing his arm to keep him still.

Taylor frowned in amusement but nodded anyway.

“Wait here,” she begged him, squeezing his arm tightly. “Don’t move.”

“I won’t,” he promised, bemused but accepting.

Hayley nodded quickly before holding up a finger. “One minute, I promise,” she said, turning to run to back to the green room.

She could hear Taylor’s confused chuckle as she sprinted down the empty corridor.

The room was busy and loud when she pushed open the door. The band and some of their crew were lounging about, talking loudly about god knows what. Hayley scanned the room hurriedly before spotting their manager.

“Mike,” she called, out of breath and relieved as she quickly approached him.

Mike looked up from his computer and gave her a tired smile. “Emails with venues,” he explained, pointing at the laptop.

Hayley nodded sympathetically as long as she could. “That sucks,” she guessed, “Hey, do you know when the next hotel stop is?”

“Let me check the schedule,” Mike offered, focusing on the computer. “It is,” he drawled as he scrolled, “in two days. Chicago.”

Hayley beamed at his response. “Perfect,” she grinned, quickly turning to run back out the door. “Thanks!”

She nearly made it all the way out the door before someone called her name.

“Hayley,” Joey called, “can you tell Taylor to hurry up if you see him.”

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” she rushed out. Usually, she would have felt worse about not sticking around to chat with Joey, but he’d understand when she explained it to him someday. Hell, he would be practically shoving her out the door if he knew.

The heavy door slammed shut behind her as she jogged back up the corridor. She smiled at the sight of Taylor’s lanky figure stood still, right where she left him. He looked up from his phone at the sound of her footsteps.

“You good?” he asked, smiling if not slightly hesitant.

She nodded quickly, before reaching out to grab his hand. This wasn’t unusual for them, they’d been doing it for years but this was the first time she'd had to push down the tingle that erupted over her fingers.

“Okay hear me out,” she rushed, still slightly out of breath. “I want to talk about this. I need to talk about this,” she said, gesturing between them, “but I realise now this is not the place to do it.”

Taylor looked around the empty corridor and nodded.

“So,” she began again, “there’s a window. In two days.”

Taylor squeezed her hand to continue. His face was mostly blank except for the corners of his lips that were starting to rise.

“Talking on the bus will never work the way we need it to, but there’s a hotel stop in Chicago in two day’s time. I reckon we use that night to sit down and talk. See what we want from each other and figure it all out.”

Taylor grinned softly. “Let’s do it.”

“Really?” she smiled, shocked this was going so well. She was expecting him to have more questions or hesitate before answering. But if he was agreeing to it so easily then she wasn’t going to complain. “Okay, perfect.”

“Two day’s time,” Taylor confirmed.

“Two day’s time.”

The pair stood in silence for a moment as they smiled.

Eventually, Hayley forced herself to break the moment and shook his hand. “Okay, you need to go and shower now,” she urged, smiling as she pushed him in the direction of the door. “Joey will have both our asses if he doesn’t get to have that long shower he wants.”

Taylor nodded in agreement, reluctantly letting their hands part as he walked to the door. He stopped and leant against the door frame, turning back to Hayley.

“I really am sorry for how I acted.”

Hayley shook her head and waved a hand at him. “I know,” she smiled encouragingly, “don’t worry about that anymore.”

Taylor nodded again with a soft smile before heading into the bathroom.

“Are you kidding me?” Joey’s voice broke through the quiet as Hayley stared at the closed door. She swivelled and turned to see him, his head tipped back in annoyance and pinching the bridge of his nose. “He just went in?”

“Sorry Joe,” she said, even though she wasn’t really. She was in too good a mood right now. “It was my fault, I had to talk to him about something.”

Joey stared at her, brows furrowed in suspicion. He paused for a moment before shrugging it off.

“Hey, just use the girls one,” Hayley offered, trying to placate him. “I’m the only one who uses it and I’m showered already.”

“Is that allowed?”

“I don’t see why not,” she shrugged, “Also, who wants to use a sweaty boys shower room anyway?”

“That sounds exactly like something I’d want,” Joey grinned.

Hayley snorted and nodded, reaching her arms out to pull him into a hug. She couldn’t help it, she was feeling great right now.

\---

The days couldn’t have moved any slower.

Hayley was relieved that the awkward tension of the past few days had all but disappeared but the relentless pace continued. She swore they hadn’t had this much work to do during the day since Tour One.

The awkward smiles had gone and the guilty slump in Taylor’s shoulders had vanished. They were laughing together again in between songs and talking quietly when they huddled together in the bus lounge as the sun came up. It felt ridiculous to say that the clouds had lifted when they had barely solved their issues but Hayley couldn’t deny that her nerves were settled and her laughter felt lighter. The work was exhausting but she still felt energised.

Hayley had spent the afternoon curled up on the green room sofa. Justin and Taylor had gone out for lunch together whilst the rest of the boys slept after the long night on the bus. Hayley had declined their invite for food so she could spend some time journaling, preparing her thoughts so she could have them all ready for tonight. She planned to have a big speech prepared so she could make the moment special. She still felt guilty for the game night and wanted to show him she was invested in this.

But her page was blank.

She had pages and pages of scribbled out notes, thick lines of biro crossing out confessions of feelings she couldn’t quite handle. It wasn’t that she didn’t feel that way about him. She did. So much that it hurt sometimes to look at him. Taylor made her feel safe and heard, even when she didn’t want anyone to know she existed. He smiled and it made her heart clench in a way she didn’t think was possible for her anymore.

And yet she couldn’t quite bring herself to put it into words.

“Fuck,” she groaned, throwing the book down beside her as she ran a hand through her hair. Writing was her thing. She knew how to communicate through her words and yet there was nothing she could say right now.

Frustration boiled hot in her gut.

She was the one who had pushed for this conversation to happen and now she couldn’t think of the words to say.

She knew it wasn’t that she didn’t feel anything for him. She was more sure of that than anything else. But her mind wouldn’t let her say it. Like there was some block in her brain that couldn’t let her just have this.

Scrubbing her hand across her eyes one last time, she grabbed her phone to check the time since she assumed the boys would be back soon.

“Fuck,” she said again, her phone displaying the exact time the boys were scheduled to be at the venue over the top of a picture of Alf she had taken before she left for tour.

She needed to move. Do something. There was no point just to get anxious because of some writer's block. She could just say what she felt in the moment or let him start and then follow on from that.

Hayley blew a harsh breath out of her lips before jumping to stand up, shaking her fingers and rolling her neck to release the nervous energy.

Brian was around somewhere, doing emails and calls back to the office in Nashville. He’d take her mind off it. No one could make her laugh like he did and she probably needed to help out with the work anyway. Perfect distraction.

Hayley headed in the direction of the buses, assuming that's where he’d be. The venue had been too noisy with the crew setting up the stage for him to make calls so he hadn’t come and sat with her in the green room.

The sun was hot as she walked out into the parking lot and it warmed the exposed pale skin that wasn’t hidden under her shorts. Perks of a summer tour.

“Hey,” a man’s voice called the opposite direction.

Hayley turned to look and saw Justin and Taylor approaching her, a plastic bag dangling from Taylor’s hand.

“We brought you something back,” Taylor called, waving the bag above his head.

“Vegan Mexican food,” Justin added.

Hayley felt relieved at the sight of them, smiling at their thoughtfulness. She’d insisted that she wasn’t hungry when they left earlier but her stomach rumbled at the thought of the food.

“Thanks you guys,” she smiled warmly, reaching out for the bag as they neared. “That’s so sweet,” she said, purposely locking eyes with Taylor. It felt good to watch as he blushed.

“It was so good, we couldn’t let you miss out,” Justin said, “You’ve got to come next time we are here.”

Hayley nodded, eyes nearly rolling back into her head in excitement at the smell of it. “It smells so good,” she confirmed.

Justin grinned before checking his phone. “Where are you heading off to, soundchecks in like twenty minutes?”

“I was gonna see if I could find Brian, maybe give him a hand with some of the company work,” she explained, sneaking quick glances at Taylor as she tried to focus on his brother.

“Okay, we’ll we're going to head in and grab our stuff beforehand if you want to join?” Justin offered kindly.

Hayley winced internally. She wanted to accept the offer and hang out with them but she couldn’t just bail on her original plans without looking at least a little bit suspicious.

“Nah, I think I’m just going to check in on Brian, see if there’s anything I can do,” nodding as she trailed off.

Justin nodded before turning to Taylor. “You coming now?”

“Erm,” Taylor said, quickly looking between Hayley and Justin, “I’ll be over in two minutes, just got to talk to Hayley real quick.”

Justin nodded, clapping his brother on the shoulder as he left. “Cool, see you guys in there.”

They stood in silence for a moment, waiting with small grins as Justin left.

Taylor watched over Hayley’s shoulder before nodding slightly as his brother walked out of earshot. “What'd do you do whilst we were gone, I kinda assumed you’d be with Brian?” he asked casually.

“Nah,” she brushed it off casually, “just wanted to get off the bus for a bit.” She knew she could easily tell him that she'd struggled earlier and he wouldn’t be mad but admitting it didn’t feel right.

Taylor nodded in understanding anyway, reaching over to brush a finger down her arm. She knew they should be careful with fans potentially around but she didn’t want him to stop. The need to have any contact with him overwhelmed her brain telling her they didn’t need fans speculating a relationship they hadn’t even established yet. “You ready for tonight?” he asked quietly.

She knew he wasn’t talking about the show they had later. All the anxiety the afternoon caused seemed to drain away as he swept his finger up and down her forearm. She grinned and nodded. “Yeah, I’m excited.”

It was a lie and she knew it, but she didn’t care when they were stood this close.

Taylor’s face broke into an excited grin at her words. “Awesome.”

They stood grinning for another heated moment before Hayley pushed him in the direction of the venue door. “Okay, you need to go and find your brother now,” she reminded him, stomach pulling with the desire to pull him in and kiss him before he left.

Taylor laughed and nodded. “Sir yes sir,” he grinned, letting her push him away in the opposite direction.

“Thanks for the food by the way,” she called, holding it up in a way she hoped passed as flirty.

Taylor turned and grinned, walking backwards as shook his head, waving off her thanks.

He kept walking backwards and smiling as her lips twisted into a grin that she couldn’t control.

“Oh me too, by the way,” he called back with a wink, before turning to walk into the venue.

Hayley grinned when she knew what he was talking about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there we go! I'm hoping to get the next chapter out with the next few days so look out for that!
> 
> This was just a chapter to build the story a bit but i promise the next will be more interesting!
> 
> Thanks again for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Here's the new update!

The hotel elevator was packed.

The band had all crowded in when it opened with a ding, pushing Hayley into the corner whilst the boys chanted and writhed about.

This always happened on hotel nights. The band had no need to shower or get back to the bus quickly when they were staying in a hotel, so the post-show ritual always included loud music and alcohol. It was the sort of thing she would have been made to feel guilty about only a few years ago, and now she was free to love it and she did.

And she loved being with her guys, all high energy and fun. She couldn’t deny that she didn’t enjoy the drinking part as well. It had been an unhealthy coping mechanism a year ago, but recently she'd been able to just use as a way to let loose now. She loved how all the boys got after a few drinks, silly and loud. Taylor especially.

She caught his eye as Joey was talking slightly too loud into his ear, his flimsy body wrapped around Taylor to keep him upright. She noticed he’d barely drank tonight, sticking to beer whilst the boys had poured rounds of shots. His eyes flashed as she waggled her brows, glancing down to where was Joey nuzzling into face into his neck. Taylor nodded in amusement before turning his attention back to his drunken friend.

“What floor are we on?” Zac slurred as he watched the numbers grow on the screen.

“Literally look at the buttons,” Brian called back, reaching out an arm to hold the back of Zac’s head and tilt it down in the right direction.

“Oh,” he laughed. “Thirteen!”

Hayley laughed as the boys cheered in response. Nearly every joke tonight had been nonsense and she loved it.

The elevator finally slowed and opened the doors, giving room for the drunk boys to pour out.

“Wrong way,” Brian called, grabbing Zac’s shoulders and steering him. Logan and Docky stumbled quickly in the same direction.

“Who’s room?” Joey mumbled, arms still wrapped around Taylor’s waist as they walked down the corridor.

“Your own room so we don’t have to get you back there later,” Taylor reasoned, adjusting his grip to carry more of the lanky boy's weight. Joey hummed in agreement.

Hayley laughed as he grimaced at the added weight from Joey’s tall frame. She teased him about his strength all the time, and it amused her to watch him prove her point.

“Joey’s room!” Zac called out to the group as if they hadn’t all heard.

It took a minute of fumbling to unlock the door and push the drunkest members onto the empty beds. Hayley removed Joey’s shoes and ran a hand through his sweaty hair, grinning as he leaned into it.

“Hayley, stay with me please,” Joey sang.

“I think I’m going to sit this one out Joe,” she said, glancing at Taylor quickly as he failed to keep an excited grin under control. They hadn't told the group what was happening or any of the details, pretty much because even they could barely explain it. There was no need to cause any drama or tell anyone about it under they understood it themselves.

“Wait, what?” Zac cried, apparently cognitive enough to catch the look between them. “Don’t go!” he whined like a child.

“Sorry bud,” Taylor said, shrugging lightly. “We’re just a bit tired from the show tonight, but we could come back later if you’re still up?” he reasoned.

Hayley would have burst out laughing at the fat pout that formed on Zac’s face as he nodded if she didn’t want to leave the room so badly.

They stuck around a few minutes longer to chat before they casually started to inch towards the door. Hayley shot a glare in Brian’s direction as he quirked a brow in her direction, daring him to say anything right now. He grinned and flashed a thumbs up and wink in response.

“See you guys tomorrow,” Taylor called from the door as he held it open for Hayley. “Call me if you need anything.”

“Emergencies only,” Hayley supplied, ignoring the smug grin that flickered on Taylor's face.

The group had fallen into drunk chatter enough that they disappeared out the door and shut it quickly behind them without too much protest. The hallway was quiet as they walked together in silence, only the muffled sound of Zac’s laughter in the background.

“Mine or yours?” Taylor asked.

“Let’s go to mine,” Hayley offered. Taylor was technically meant to be sharing with Zac and although it was unlikely he’d managed to find a way out of Joey’s room, she didn’t want to take any chances.

Taylor hummed in agreement and waited patiently for Hayley to locate her key card. The door opened easily, much to her relief. Fumbling with a hotel door wasn’t exactly part of the cool, smooth vibe she wanted tonight. The room was nearly identical to Joey’s, neat and clean and they dropped their bags by the door before turning to grin at each other, unsure of what to say.

“So,” Taylor started.

“So,” Hayley agreed.

Taylor looked around the room for inspiration. “Do you want to sit down?” he said, gesturing to the bed.

Hayley nodded and kicked off her shoes before climbing on the bed, sitting in the centre with her legs crossed. Taylor joined her quickly, stretched out against the headboard so their legs lightly touching.

“Well,” Taylor began.

“Well indeed,” Hayley laughed.

Taylor joined her and shook his head, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t know where to start,” he said honestly.

“Neither,” she laughed, grinning as he smiled.

“Okay,” Taylor coughed, shuffling forward slightly. “We need to start somewhere.”

“True,” Hayley confirmed, snorting as Taylor shot her an exasperated look. “I’m sorry!” she cried, “I know I’m not being helpful.”

Taylor smiled and shook his head, reaching out to grab her knee. “It’s fine, don’t worry,” he said, “we’ve got all night.”

Hayley smiled gratefully.

“Okay,” Taylor began again, “should we start with what happened at my house?”

Hayley nodded. “I know what I did wasn’t cool,” she said, “I pushed you when you clearly were uncomfortable. I got too wrapped up in the game and that wasn’t okay.”

Taylor shook his head, suddenly seeming much wearier than he had only moments ago. “You get why I wasn’t comfortable though?” he asked, “it was nothing to do with kissing you-” he cut off.

“It was about the way it happened,” Hayley finished.

Taylor nodded. “Yeah,” he confirmed tiredly, rubbing a hand over his brow as he reflected on it, “I’m not going to lie and say I hadn’t thought about that moment happening a lot. I just wanted it to happen when it was right, and the game really caught me off guard.”

“I know Taylor,” Hayley said, “it’s not really an excuse but I was drunk and too focused on the game, I just wasn’t thinking.”

Taylor nodded and eventually waved her off. “I’m over it now,” he said, “I just didn’t want to do something like that because a challenge in a game made us, you know?”

Hayley nodded. She’d felt guilty at the time, but it was different now. She felt sad. Sad that she’d put him in that position, trivialised something that was important to her as well. But this conversation wasn’t meant to be sad, this wasn’t the direction she wanted to head in.

“I mean at least that got you to kiss me later,” she tried, the slightest hint of teasing in her voice. Her chest eased at the huff of his laughter, and she smiled as the small curls bounced as he nodded his head in agreement.

“Yeah I did,” he confirmed gently, although she could tell he was happy.

“And I mean that kiss,” she kept going, “I didn’t know you had it in you York, I was impressed.”

She grinned as he snorted with laughter at her joke, and she reached to slip her fingers between the ones that rested on her knee. He finally looked her at her again, eyes bright. Her head felt light with joy.

“I didn’t know I was going to do it either,” he laughed, cheeks turning a delightful shade of pink at Hayley’s waggling brows. “I just couldn’t get it out of my head after that game,” he continued, “so I just thought fuck it, and did it I guess.”

“Yeah you did,” Hayley nodded with a grin, having to mentally stop herself for reaching out for a fist bump.

Fuck it.

She extended her fist towards him, shaking it slightly to tempt him. He glared at her with no malice and rolled his eyes, before bump his first into hers and snorting.

They giggled like teenage boys for a moment before Taylor spoke again, “I can’t believe you just made me do that,” he laughed.

Hayley flicked her brows at him, squeezing their conjoined hands once more before forcing herself to focus once more. She enjoyed the lighter side of their conversation much more but unfortunately, that’s not all they were there for.

“Okay,” Hayley coughed, bringing the mood back. “Ten points to you for the great kiss,” she began, “but I’m going to have to minus ten points for the way you acted after,” she cringed, knowing he was going to hate this part.

Just as she suspected, Taylor’s shoulders tensed in an instant as he dropped his head in shame. It always surprised her just how painful it was for her to see him in upset, and as much as she was desperate to never talk about this again, there was no getting past this awkward part.

Taylor audibly swallowed before he spoke again. “Listen, Hayley,” his voice crackling like it always did when he was uncomfortable. “I hate the way I acted and I’m truly so, so sorry. I was embarrassed that I kissed you like I did because I didn’t know what it meant to you,” he said, smiling sadly as she squeezed his hand in understanding. “No, I was a dick to you and I know that now. I just didn’t know how to act and I was angry because I thought I’d fucked up and I can’t lose you.”

He stopped for a moment, smacking his lips once before shaking his head and realising a cool breath. “I’m sorry but I just can’t lose you. I can’t, and I guess my response to thinking I’d fucked it all up was to be mad at you for wanting to kiss me in the first place.” He winced with every sentence he spoke, knowing how wrong he was, “I don’t really have an excuse for being a dick to you, I just got lost in my head about the whole thing and I’m really sorry for making it seem like you were the one who fucked up."

Hayley shook her head sadly. “T,” she began, reaching out to lift his head to meet her eyes, “we both fucked up. Like, yeah, the way you acted really sucked but so did I, so stop beating yourself up about it when we're both in the wrong.”

Taylor stared at her for another moment, eyes unreadable before he eventually nodded again. “Yeah, I guess we really messed this all up,” he laughed sadly.

“But we were over it now,” Hayley said lightly, trying to coax a smile out of it. “Okay, we are over it, no more being sad or angry at each other.”

Taylor watched again, eyes softening finally as a small smile cracked onto his face.

“Okay?” Hayley asked again, eyes shining with hope.

“Okay,” Taylor confirmed, squeezing her hand tightly.

They watched each other for a moment, smiling softly after finally clearing the air. Taylor shuffled forward slight and leant in, pressing a kiss against her cheek before return quickly back to his previous position. 

"Sorry, I've just been wanting to do that all night," he blushed.

Hayley almost hated the way her stomach fluttered at his words, feeling like a giggly teenage girl who finally got the boy who's name they'd been doodling all over their books.

"Don't apologise," she said, smiling broadly.

“So where does that leave us?” Hayley asked.

Taylor nodded as he considered. “Well,” he began, “do you know what you want from this?” he asked, smiling nervously as he flicked a finger between them.

Hayley smiled uneasily. Fuck. This was the part she'd been dreading. Why couldn't he just accept that she wanted him without asking her to acknowledge her feelings, make her remember that her heart is too damaged to risk another potential loss.

“This?” she asked, trying to seem casually confused.

Taylor stiffened slightly, barely at all, but Hayley caught it. “Well yeah,” he laughed carefully, “I kind of assumed –”. He cut himself off and rubbed a hand over his brows. “The other day you mentioned feelings so I just assumed you wanted something more.”

“Do you want more?” Hayley countered, needing to take the attention of her.

Taylor stared at her like he couldn’t believe what she was asking. “Wait,” he said, shifting to the side. “I’m confused, what’s happening right now?”

The room was growing cold as Hayley ran through every option of what to say. Well, she knew what she wanted to say, but those words felt too heavy to get out. The instinct to run was settling in.

“Taylor,” she began, her insides knotting tight, “please, let’s just –”

“Just what?” Taylor asked, panicked and confused, trying to get some clarity.

“I don’t see why we need to make this a thing,” Hayley winces, hating herself for lying straight to his face.

Taylor stared at her for a moment, jaw tensing as he processed her words.

“So you don’t want to be with me?” he asked, trying to remain casual but Hayley could hear the hurt in his voice.

Yes, yes, yes. That was all she could think.

“I –,” was all Hayley could get out. “I don’t see why we should jump straight into this when we don’t know how it will end?”

“End?” Taylor blinked.

Hayley cringed as Taylor moved off the bed and away from her, running a hand through his hair.

“I think it would just be easier if we didn’t commit to anything right now,” she reasoned, “who knows what might happen if we make a choice we can’t reverse.”

“We already did that,” Taylor pointed out, brows raised.

Hayley nodded, he was right. They couldn’t just go back and forget about it. She didn’t even want to. She wanted him and yet she still couldn’t let herself have him.

“This is all so complicated,” she sighed.

“We’ve always been complicated.”

That’s not what she even meant but it was still the truth. Her brain was complicated and right now it was only making everything worse. They’d never been straightforward, the two of them. There had always been something lingering so it was never just friendship. And she finally had the opportunity to change that but she just couldn’t take that step, no matter how much she wanted to.

“Taylor, let’s just keep it simple,” she reasoned, knowing that was all she could give right now. “Let’s just make it easier and not jump into anything right now.”

“I’m just – ”he croaked as he paced about the room, “I’m just confused, Hayley. I thought this was what you wanted, I thought you wanted something with me but what I’m hearing now is that you don’t want me – .”

“No,” Hayley blurted out before she could stop herself.

Taylor cocked his head and stared, eyes widening in confusion. “So you do want something?”

Hayley nodded since she couldn’t say that in words.

“Okay,” Taylor nodded slowly, trying to work through all her contradictions. “So you want something but it can’t be anything?”

Hayley knew she wasn’t making any sense. Her actions were a complete contradiction to her words and she didn’t blame him for being confused. If she could explain her fears, why she couldn’t just let them be together then she wouldn’t have to watch him go through this. His hands were wringing as he nervously paced the room, the anxious set in his shoulder making him look smaller than he was and it hurt to know she could fix it if she could just jump that final hurdle.

“Yeah,” was all she could get out.

Taylor exhaled shakily and finally stopped pacing.

“Okay,” he finally said.

Hayley met his eyes, reluctant acceptance masking his features.

“Okay?”

“If all you can give is something undefined,” he said, scratching his stubble with one finger, clearly unsure, “if all you want is unattached sex or whatever, then I can try and give you that.”

That wasn’t what she wanted, not really. She wanted him and she wanted to be his, but her brain wasn’t ready for that attachment or trust yet, so that deal was as good as she could allow for right now. If they could still be together, but all the dangerous feelings were out of the equation then she could deal with that. It would suck for both of them, and it's not what she wanted deep down but she could deal with it.

Hayley nodded, a small smile on her face. It was better than nothing, she couldn’t bear nothing after what they’d already shared.

The desire to touch him overwhelmed her as she crossed the room, arms open in invitation. Taylor cocked his head again as his eyes softened, welcoming her into his arms. His skin was warm and the fabric of his shirt was soft beneath her fingertips. Hayley sighed in relief as she breathed in his comforting scent.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered into his chest, “I know you wanted more but I just can’t – .”

Taylor shushed her and dropped a kiss to her head. She wanted to explain that it wasn’t about him, that she wanted him more than he could ever know but that she was too messed up to risk it. He deserved to know everything she felt for him, but that just made her too vulnerable and she couldn’t allow that. Not again, not after everything she’d already been through.

“I’ll take whatever you can give me,” Taylor mumbled into her hair, tightening his grip on her.

Hayley tilted her head up, searching his eyes for understanding. She recognised the look on his face, it was the one he gave her when he tried to reassure her or talk her back down when life got too dark. She had to tense her jaw to stop her chin from trembling. Even after she’d shot down all his hopes of a real, stable relationship, he was still the one comforting her. She didn’t deserve him and she knew that for a fact.

They exhaled heavily as they stared sadly at each other, silently stood and wrapped around each other. The conversation was what neither of them had truly hoped for but this was what it had to be for now.

Hayley tilted her head up further in a silent signal. Her heart flickered with joy as he gave a tiny nod, reaching down to meet her lips. The kiss was soft, so gentle that she nearly shivered from the intimacy. This only last seconds before she wrapped her arms around his neck, needing him closer. Taylor shifted his mouth slightly, deepening the kiss and pulling her in tighter at the waist. The kiss continued, heating with all the pent up frustration from their conversation. Hayley wondered if he could feel just how much she wanted him, even though her words only minutes ago completely contradicted it.

They finally pulled away for air, although their lips barely parted. Taylor swallowed audibly before leaning back in to place another soft, quick kiss on her lips. It was so gentle Hayley thought she could have melted in that moment.

It was only then Hayley realised they were still stood in the middle of the hotel room. She pulled back further to look at his face, arms still wrapped around his neck. She knew the option she was giving him wasn’t fair, that he deserved to know her feelings but this was all she could give right now. She couldn’t lose this, and judging by that kiss neither could he. His eyes were glassy as she took him in, lips red from the kiss and hair a mess from running his hand through it from stress. Her chest tightened at the sight of him.

“Are you sure this is okay?” she asked quietly, even though she knew the answer.

Taylor nodded sadly as his thumbs rubbed small circles on her hips. “If it’s all you can give then I’ll be fine with that,” he said, voice cracking just slightly.

She knew he was lying but she couldn’t bring herself to stop this. She needed him so badly but this was all they could be right now.

Hayley swallowed hard, before forcing a smile onto her face. She pulled him in again, this time allowing his face to bury in her neck as they clung onto each other. They swayed slightly as she felt him breathe against her skin. His back must have been aching from the angle he was bent at to accommodate her size but she couldn’t bring herself to separate from him, instead running a comforting hand up and down his back.

She didn’t know how long they stood there in the end, slowly accepting this new normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there we go! I hope you enjoyed it, I think I may have relied on the subtext a bit too much and that the reason for Hayley's inability to commit to a relationship is unclear, but let me know what you think!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Here's the next chapter as promised! I'm hoping to write a few more before I finish this off, just so there can be a somewhat realistic growth of tension and hopefully convey the characters faults!
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Hayley got dressed with her back firmly to Taylor. It was a choice but also necessary; her hands were shaking so much that she was struggling to fasten her jeans without snapping the zip off. It wasn’t that she freaking out exactly, this wasn’t even the first time they’d had sex but every time she’d struggled to keep the rush of emotions at bay.

It was just easier for everyone if she left immediately, rather than let her say something she’d regret. She couldn’t bear to see him watch her like she was golden when she’d strictly prohibited him from doing that. It wasn’t that she didn’t want him to do that either, it just made it a lot harder to deny everything that was happening if she allowed them to dwell on it. And she couldn’t allow that.

“So,” Taylor mumbled, his voice low and scratchy.

It hit her straight in the chest when he spoke like that, reminding her of what they just did, making her tense up with both need and regret. She had to get a move on before she convinced herself out of leaving.

“So,” she replied casually, scanning the room for her t-shirt. She knew Taylor had pulled it off somewhere by the bathroom, and sure enough, it lay crumped in a pile by the wall. She kept her eyes low as she yanked it on, smoothing down the wrinkles and wiping her sweaty palms on the denim of her jeans.

“Hayley,” he sighed, running a hand through his sweaty hair. “You don’t have to go every time – ”

“It’s fine,” she insisted, shaking her head and looking him in the eyes for the first time since she’d got off the bed. That wasn’t even a real response to what he’d said but she couldn’t focus her brain enough to form coherent sentences. She needed to get out fast before she could dwell on her own hypocrisy.

“You can stay, and I won’t take it the wrong way,” he tried.

It wasn’t about him taking it the wrong way, but she still couldn’t tell if he knew that. It was about her, and how she couldn’t allow herself to believe in someone again.

Hayley swallowed as she watched him, unable to explain without revealing too much of herself. Guilt swarmed her brain as he chewed his bottom lip, something she knew he only did when he was concerned about her. There was nothing more that she hated than seeing him like, and it only made it worse that she wouldn’t allow herself to fix it.

“I can’t T,” she shook her head, willing him to understand.

He grimaced but nodded in resignation anyway. He knew she’d was going to bolt the second the orgasm haze started to wear off, but it didn’t hurt to try anyway.

“We can just hang out if you want?” he said, giving it one last shot.

“Can’t,” Hayley said, simply and abruptly as she searched for her shoes.

“Well do you want me to walk you back?” he said, scanning for his boxers on the hotel room floor.

“I’m good.”

“Hayley, can you just – ”

“No, just no, okay?” she snapped, shoving her feet into her vans. She was getting more and more agitated as he tried to reason with her, and she rubbed her face in annoyance. It wasn’t him that was actually annoying her, it was just made her feel worse when she had to deny him constantly. He’d said he was willing to go along with this and it only hurt more when she had to refuse what she really wanted.

“Look, I’m sorry,” she eventually sighed, knowing that he didn’t deserve for her to talk to him like that. She hurried to his side of the bed before he could move and leant down, kissing him firmly before she forced herself back to the door.

He wordlessly nodded as he watched her retreat to the door, bra stuffed in her back pocket.

The corridor was quiet as the door shut behind her. She knew she was an idiot for putting them both through this and she huffed in frustration as she knew it was as much as she could allow herself. Thankfully, the walk to her room was short enough that she didn’t have enough time to dwell on it before she had to focus on finding her key card in her purse.

The room was dark when she entered, seeming even quieter than the hallway as she dropped onto the bed in a huff. Finally being alone was just enough to calm her brain as her strain and exhaustion bore down on her. She allowed herself a moment to feel her muscles ache before she forced herself into her night-time routine, knowing she’d regret it in the morning if she slept with her makeup on.

Her stomach growled loudly as she dug through her toiletry bag, in search of her cleanser and moisturiser. It felt like she’d burnt more calories tonight than she’d eaten all day, a thought that made her smile as she thought about what they’d done. Leaving always hurt but everything before that was great. The best she’d ever had if she was being honest.

Hayley’s stomach grumbled uncomfortably once more as she grabbed her phone to check the time. It was too late to call for room service but she couldn’t go to sleep without satisfying the ache. She debated what she should do as she pulled a hoodie over her head. The soft cotton fell to the tops of her thighs and hung loosely at her wrists. She couldn’t stop a smile from breaking when she realised who owned the hoodie.

That cemented it. She knew it wasn’t fair to sending so many mixed signals in one night but there was no one else who she wanted to hang out with right now, and the hoodie seemed like a sign. 

_H > Sorry about before, want to get food?_

She stared at her screen and waited, knowing he’d be on his phone right then. Sure enough, she was right.

_T > Now?_

_H > I know, sorry :/ I’m starving._

She watched the three dots appear and disappear several times before she finally got an answer.

_T > Don’t think room service is open but there’s a 711 around the corner?_

_H > Perfect. I’ll be down in 5._

Hayley shimmied out of her jeans before yanking on a pair of sweatpants and rolling up the hoodie at the sleeves before checking herself out in the mirror. It wasn’t her best look but she didn’t mind, Taylor seemed to like her in anything.

Grabbing her phone and purse for the bed, she checked for her keys before heading to the elevator. It had been less than ten minutes since she’d last seen him and if the way she'd shut down all of his attempts to spend time together, she shouldn’t be this excited to see him again. And yet her stomach still tightened as the doors opened to reveal him stood in the empty reception.

“Hey,” she called out softly, smiling as he turned to face her.

“Hey back,” he said, smiling softly as he took in her outfit, his eyes focusing on the hoodie.

“Sorry,” she said meekly, looking down at her choice, “you can have it back if you want.”

“No, don’t worry about it,” he waved her off, soft eyes lingering once more before he finally snapped his attention away. “711?”

Hayley nodded as he motioned for her to lead the way. “I’m going to assume that they don’t serve vegan things?” she said, knowing the answer already.

“Definitely not,” Taylor agreed in mock sadness. He’d hesitantly been giving it a go for a month now but he missed the simple pleasure of over-processed snacks that were definitely no good for him.

Hayley snorted, used to the vegan jokes by now. She didn’t really mind either, she tried her best to stay on track with it but she wasn’t going to feel bad if she was hungry and had no other option.

The night was cold, even for summer as they stepped out onto the sidewalk. Usually, she’d lean in close to him, but they didn’t have clear boundaries anymore. She wanted him to pull her in closer, keep her warm from the cool air but she knew that wasn’t really fair when she was the one denying him of that side of the relationship. Kissing during and after sex was fine, she allowed herself that, but she knew much more outside of that would lead them into a dangerous territory where she might even allow herself to consider what it would be like to actually be his girlfriend. And that wasn't a path she could let herself go down.

“Do you know what you’re getting?” Hayley asked, subtly stepping slightly to the side.

“Probably just some water,” Taylor shrugged.

She nodded as she pursed her lips, trying to figure out where to guide the conversation as they walked briskly towards the shop. It wasn't clear if he was annoyed at her hypocrisy or just tired. 

“Sorry about dipping earlier,” she finally said. She said that every morning after but it still felt necessary.

“It’s fine,” Taylor said lightly, flicking his eyes upward momentarily.

Hayley frowned but let it go. It wasn’t fine, none of it was fine but that wasn’t a conversation she was ready to have. The best she could do was apologise and hope he understood.

Taylor stumbled slightly, murmuring a soft 'crap' as he caught sight of his loose laces. “I’ll meet you inside,” he knelt down, flicking his eyes to the brightly lit store.

Hayley nodded, not wanting to stick around in the cold for longer than necessary. “I’ll grab your stuff.”

She crossed her arms tightly across her chest to keep in the warmth as she jogged up to the door, the neon ‘open’ sign flickering and humming as she approached. 

The store was mostly quiet as she headed to the snack aisle, the radio played a chart hit she sort of recognised. She grabbed a bag of chips that didn’t look too gross, and some candy that she knew Taylor liked before heading to the drink’s cupboard for some waters.

She could sense the two men leering at her before she saw them. It wasn’t something that she wasn’t used to if anything it was annoying common, and yet her skin still crawled as she felt their eyes linger from across the aisle. She nodded and flashed a faux polite smile before turning away quickly, hoping that was enough to signal that she wanted them to fuck off immediately.

Her throat thickened as footsteps followed her. She would have happily snapped at them if she wasn’t alone in a store late at night. She was more than capable of handling herself in most situations, but she knew it was more dangerous to provoke them when she was alone than just pray that they leave her alone. She quickly scanned out of the window to check on Taylor who seemed to be busy on the phone with someone. Fuck. She could have growled in frustration at the sight if she wasn’t so desperate to not give the men any satisfaction. She knew she was tough enough to deal with them if she really wanted to, but something in her still felt sick at the unwanted attention.

She sighed and proceeded quickly to the checkout, dumping her items on the desk in front of the bored-looking teenage shop assistant. The boy flickered his eyes quickly, no sign of recognition towards her. She couldn’t tell if she was relieved or not.

She rocked forward on her toes as she quickly checked on Taylor again, who seemed just as deep into the conversation as he was before.

Come on, she thought, who the hell could need to talk to him that bad at this time at night.

Hayley’s blood ran cold as she sensed the men behind her, stood too close to be an accident. She grimaced as she smelt the distinct scent of beer and cheap cigarettes that wafted off them. The store assistant seemed in no hurry to check out her items as he lamely tapped on the till screen, completely unaware of what was happening.

“Hey,” she said to grab his attention, pressing herself against the desk to try and create more space between her and the men behind. “Can I get a pack of Marlboro Gold?” She didn't want to buy Taylor's affection, but she knew she owed him something for messing him around.

The teen mutely nodded and slunk of his stool, eyes barely flicking to her face, let alone to the men humming behind her. Her heart sank as her lame lifeline was shot to pieces.

She tapped the desk repeatedly.

Come on, come on, come on.

Her shaking hands fumbled through her purse to have the money ready to give to the store assistant so she could get out of there as soon as he returned. She clutched the notes in her hand and she stared at the teen, willing him to speed up and get her away from the gross men. Her eyes watered as she felt a body press up behind her and her breath hitched as she prepared to snap.

It was only when the familiar large hands grabbed her hips and squeezed softly that she felt like the air was returning to her lungs.

“You okay?” Taylor murmured in her ear, shooting a subtle warning glare to the men who awkwardly shuffled back to accommodate him as he shoved himself firmly between.

Hayley flicked her eyes up to him and sighed in relief. She nodded quietly and dropped her head back against his chest as her blood slowed and her nerves settled.

“Fine,” she muttered, desperate just to get out of the store now.

The teen dropped the cigarettes onto the counter before taking the cash, cracking a smile for the first time as she insisted he keep the change. He didn’t deserve it but it was quicker than waiting for him to count out what he owed her.

She grabbed the food and moved so Taylor could pocket his cigarettes before carrying the bottles in on hand, quickly following her to the door.

“Cute girlfriend,” one of the men leered, smirking at Taylor.

Hayley watched his face grow stony as his jaw clenched hard.

“Come on,” she muttered, grabbing his free hand and pulling him out of the door. She would have happily given them a mouthful any other time but right now she needed the safety of their hotel.

The night seemed colder as they walked in silence back to the hotel. Hayley could tell by the way his jaw was still grinding that Taylor was angry.

“Hey, it’s okay,” she reasoned, “that happens all the time.”

“No, it’s not,” he ground out, “and it just pisses me off.”

Taylor was right and she knew it. Any other day and she would be fuming as well, but she felt too hungry and exhausted now to dwell just how much she hated men like that.

She nodded, unable to think of anything else to say. She focused on the warmth of his hand and how grateful she was that he’d been there, keeping her safe like he always did.

“Who were you speaking to,” she asked, trying to distract him, “on the phone, I mean.”

“Just Zac.”

Hayley hummed and gave up. He wasn’t in the mood to chat anymore and she didn’t blame him.

It occurred to her as they stepped into the warmly lit hotel reception that the creep had called them a couple before they left. She groaned internally, that was the last thing she needed to happened tonight. Some man who’d spent the most part of the interaction trying to intimidate her assumed that she had a boyfriend after seeing them together for less than thirty seconds.

She didn’t want to think what that meant if a stranger assumed that, let alone what it said about how they acted towards each other.

It’s exactly what she was trying to avoid and yet even the worst of men wouldn’t let her get away from her feelings.

The uncontrollable urge to do some damage control overtook her as they waited for the elevator, even though she was mostly confident he'd been to anger to notice what the guy had said.

“Hey,” she said, getting his attention as she dropped his hand and stuffed the offending one deep into her pockets. She ignored the way he dropped his gaze to where their hands had been clasped before neutralising his face. “Sorry about that guy.”

“You don’t need to apologise for them,” Taylor said as they stepped into the evaluator, leaning over to press the button for their floor. “You did nothing wrong,”

“I meant when he called us a couple,” Hayley said, cringing as soon as the words came out her mouth.

Taylor’s brows raised in shock and turned to look at her, the same look of hurt and confusion that he had every time she rushed out of his room laced across his face.

“Are you jok –” Taylor cut himself as his expression hardened, eyes flicking to the ceiling in disbelief.

Hayley winced at the silence as the elevator hummed. She hated reminding him of it but she couldn’t let a moment like that go and not correct it. It ultimately seemed fairer that way.

As the elevator dinged, Taylor thrust one of the water bottles at her as he shook his head bitterly before shooting a look at her once last time.

“Can’t believe anyone would ever think that, huh?” he spat sarcastically, rolling his eyes as his voice croaked wetly as he stormed off down the corridor, leaving her staring at his retreating back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there we go! I wrote this in between university work so sorry if it's not up to scratch or a bit confusing! What do you guys think about the way Hayley's acting? I'm hoping it's clear that she's conflicted and acting irrationally towards T, despite obviously having feeling for him. 
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you think


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Back with our favourite unreliable narrator, Hayley Williams! Hope you enjoy the chapter (and find it as infuriating as I did to write lol).

The lobby was quiet as Hayley strolled through, following the signs for breakfast. It was nearing the end of the serving time, and it seemed like the majority of the hotel’s patrons had eaten early to get out and make the most of the city.

Hayley had planned to do the same last night but after hours of tossing and turning she’d slept through the text messages on the group chat from that morning as the boys organised their day.

After filling a bowl with fruit and granola at the buffet, she grabbed a bottle of water before heading to choose a table in the mostly empty dining room. It was only seconds before she spotted the familiar line of hunched shoulders, sat alone at a table for two.

Hayley sighed and headed over to him. She’d planned to give him most of the day to himself but there was no way of avoiding him now without making it worse. She didn’t want to have the conversation about them that was inevitably coming, but she’d do what she could to stop him feeling sad. That alone was enough to push her forward.

“Hey,” she said softly as she slid into the chair opposite him.

Taylor looked up in surprise and pulled out an earbud. “Hey,” he grunted, shovelling another spoonful into his mouth.

“You didn’t eat breakfast with the guys?” Hayley asked.

“Nope,” Taylor shook his head, “didn’t sleep well. Missed it.”

Hayley nodded. She knew exactly what he was talking about.

“Hey, listen,” she said, reaching out for his arm to draw his attention away from the plate, “I’m sorry if what I said last night upset you.”

“You are?” Taylor said, looking both confused and intrigued.

“Of course,” she nodded sincerely, “I hate upsetting you.”

“H,” he sighed, “you get that it’s not that I’m upset, right?”

Hayley nodded, trying to hide her grimace as she saw him leading them into a conversation that she couldn’t have right now. She could never hate him but her protective instincts flared in her gut, something urging her to shut him up before he led them somewhere where she couldn’t hide.

“It’s just that this,” he continued, flicking his fingers between them, “is so confusing and I want us to just figure –”

“Of course,” Hayley cut him off before he could go further into dangerous territory. “I was a dick last night and I’m sorry.” It felt gross to be sincere and avoid the real problem at the same time.

Hayley could see the conflict in Taylor’s eyes for a second before he blinked and slowly nodded. She felt even worse for the rush of relief that hit her as she watched him accept her avoidance apology.

“Okay then,” he said, pulling off his headphones entirely to drop them on the table, giving her his full attention. “Do you have plans for today?”

Hayley smiled as her gut settled as she watched him pull out his phone to find the name of the restaurant Justin had told him about, the tense hunch of his shoulders slowly easing.

“He said its vegan as well,” Taylor offered.

“Sounds good,” Hayley yawned, dropping her chin onto her palm as she watched him. She smiled lazily as he quirked his brow. “Sorry, I didn’t sleep well either.”

“It’s not too late,” he said, checking his watch, “We’ve got hours before we need to be ready for the venue if you want a nap.”

Hayley considered it as she scraped up the last few bites from her bowl. “Don’t you want to do something today?”

“I don’t mind either way,” Taylor shrugged. “A nap sounds good or we can head out for a few hours.”

“You sure?” Hayley checked.

“H, I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t.”

Taylor waited as she deliberated, scooping his belongings on the table into his hands.

Hayley pursed her lips, brows raised. “Just sleep? No funny business?”

“No funny business,” he confirmed. “Let’s go, breakfast is closing now anyways.”

“Okay sure,” Hayley relented as she stood. She’d been trying to push herself to do and try more things on tour but she knew she’d sleep better now they’d broken the tension from last night.

Technically she was trying something new, she realised as they walked through the lobby. They’d slept together before but they’d never _slept_ together since the change in their relationship a month ago. She knew she shouldn’t allow it, it was too confusing but right now she needed it.

The elevator dinged as it reached their floor and Taylor extended his arm, gesturing for her to lead the way.

“Your room or mine?” Hayley asked, rubbing the inner corner of her eye.

Taylor stopped. “I assumed you wanted to sleep on your own?”

“Not today,” Hayley reached for him, hoping he didn’t read too much into it.

“I just assumed because you never stay –”

“T,” Hayley pulled him to her door, deciding for them. “I just need to get some more sleep.”

“Okay,” Taylor grinned softly.

The pleased look on his face twisted Hayley’s gut. God, she hoped he wasn’t taking more from this than what she meant. She knew she was being hypocritical by sending mixed signals every five minutes but she couldn’t help it. Everything her body and mind wanted, her heart wouldn’t let her say, so all she could was hope he understood.

They kicked off their shoes in silence and climbed into the double bed, lying awkwardly next to each other, unsure what to do.

“Do you want to?” Taylor eventually got out, opening his arm to her.

Hayley nodded in understanding and shuffled in closer, relaxing into his shoulder. His body was warm and comforting as she inhaled deeply. He usually had the faintest hint of cigarettes, but it was too early in the day, so he just smelled of clean clothes and the shampoo he always used. It was more comforting than she would like to admit.

“This is nice,” he murmured into her hair, pulling her in closer.

Hayley hummed in agreement, unable to say much more. It was but they couldn’t get in the habit of this. That was much too close to something Hayley couldn’t allow, no matter how good it felt in the moment.

“I’m sorry,” she croaked guilty.

“I told you I wasn’t mad anymore,” Taylor mumbled.

Hayley was glad her face was tucked into his chest so he couldn’t see her wince. He didn’t know what she was referring to.

It was selfish but she knew it would ruin the moment to clarify. So she tangled their legs in acknowledgement and breathed deeply, waiting for sleep to overtake her.

\--

“Hayley, has Brian told you about later?” Joey called as Hayley entered the boys dressing room.

Hayley turned to her the friend in question who was following behind, quirking a brow.

Brian shrugged and kept walking. “So I guess I forget to tell you about later,” he began, “Bar. Tonight.”

“Bar?” Hayley asked as they sat on the sofa next to Joey. “Which, why, who?”

“Just the three of us,” Joey clarified, “The guys are planning to play some game Logan bought so I thought this would be more fun for the last night before we leave.”

Hayley nodded in agreement. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Sound more enthusiastic please,” Brian pushed.

Hayley laughed and shrugged. “Hey, you just dropped this on me now,” she pointed out, “give me some time to decide.”

“Nope, sorry,” Brian said, fixing a stray piece of hair near her face. “You’ve been AWOL for the past few nights, and I’m not hanging around a hotel room whilst they play some game, so we are going out.”

Joey nodded in agreement as his bass tech called him away. “What he said,” he called, looking pointedly at Brian then Hayley.

“So I don’t get a vote,” Hayley laughed.

“Nope,” Brian confirmed, popping the ‘p’ as he fiddled with his nail.

“Well I guess I’m going then,” Hayley snorted, waving her handing in resignation.

Brian hummed and focused on his nail. “You could invite Taylor if you wanted,” he said slowly, keeping his voice low.

Hayley paused and looked at him, brow raised. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“What do you think it means?”

“Brian.”

“Hayley,” he said, finally looking at her. His face was blank but there was a glimmer in his eye.

“Oh my god,” she said, grabbing his arm to pull him closer. “What do you know?”

“Please,” he said, rolling his eyes. “You both had hickeys the other day,” he whispered quickly, darting to look where the boys stood, oblivious. “I don’t think anyone else saw but you stare at him enough that there’s no one else that it could be,” he said before adding, “teenage behaviour, by the way.”

Hayley flushed red, mentally reminding herself to smack Taylor when she saw him. It _was_ teenage behaviour.

“Fine,” she gave in, “but do not tell anyone. We are keeping it down low.”

“Hardly,” Brian pointed out, “but of course. Unlike you, I try to act my age, so I won’t be gossiping with our friends.”

Hayley snorted nodded. He had a point.

“Good choice though,” Brian added, “Cute.”

Hayley tried to glare but couldn’t help the soft grin that broke out. “I know,” she said, flicking her eyes to where Taylor stood laughing with Zac. “It’s just casual though, we aren’t a couple.” He hadn’t asked but she felt the need to say it anyway.

“Hooking up with your best friend, but it’s casual?” Brian murmured back, brows raised. “Sure.”

“It is!” She whispered back quickly.

“Okay,” Brian remained unconvinced.

“It’s better that we don’t make it a thing,” Hayley protested, “It’s easier for everyone.”

Brian looked at her sceptically before the overhead speaker announced their five-minute warning, cutting him off from saying anything more.

“Everyone ready?” their tour manager called from the doorway, looking at the band.

A general consensus replied, and the guys filed out the door, adjusting their in-ears as they walked.

“Hey,” Taylor called softly, reaching for her arm, leaving the two of them to walk down the hall together. “Feel better after today?”

“Yeah much better,” Hayley smiled, “I really needed it.”

Taylor beamed so bright that Hayley could feel it in her chest. “Same here,” he agreed as they approached the stage door. “I’m glad we did it.”

Hayley felt her chest twinge again, knowing at that moment he’d seen it as more than just a nap. Just what she’d wanted to avoid.

She considered clarifying with him but it felt wrong to do it seconds before they went on stage. She knew how he’d react and it didn’t seem fair to distract him.

She nodded anyway and smiled as best she could. Taylor smiled in response and dropped a quick kiss to her head before leaving to grab his first guitar. That was the most he’d done in public since they’d agreed to the new change in their relationship. Fuck.

Hayley shook her head and decided to ignore it for now. They could talk about it later, clarify like she should have done earlier, so he knew she hadn’t changed her mind, despite what her actions might have made it seem.

Hayley adjusted her in-ears once more and waited for the lights to drop to black.

\---

The bar seemed more like a club that Joey had made out.

Bodies moved about the dance floor as people crowded around the bar against the wall, trying to catch the bartender’s eye.

“I can’t even remember when the last time was that I came somewhere like this,” Hayley said to Joey, adjusting her jacket.

“It’s fun,” he promised, grabbing her hand to pull her towards the centre.

Hayley turned to grab Brian from where he stood behind her, but he shook her off and pointed to the bar. “I’ll be back in a bit,” he shouted over the loud music.

They nodded in agreement before Joey pulled her further into the crowd.

“I miss dancing like this,” Joey shouted over the music as he grabbed her hand and moved his hips.

“What?” The bass was too low for Hayley to make out what he was saying and the drinks they’d had before they left the hotel were already kicking in.

“Dancing,” he tried again, “like this. We used to go all the time in New York.”

“I still can’t hear you,” Hayley shouted back, laughing as she shrugged.

Joey shrugged in response and moved her faster, swaying to the rhythm of the song. Hayley grinned, her head feeling light already. She wasn’t drunk enough to act stupid, but the song was good and she felt free as she danced along to it. The bar was warm and sweat was gathering in her hairline but she couldn’t bring herself to care.

The song eventually faded into a new one. A pair of hands rested on her hips from behind, and Hayley jolted forward, acutely aware they weren’t the same ones as in 711 only twenty-four hours ago.

“You good?” Joey shouted into her ear as he pulled her to his chest, looking over her shoulder to the guy who touched her. “He’s kind of cute.”

Hayley nodded and twisted slightly to see the guy in question. Joey was right, the guy was cute but not like Taylor was.

Hayley blinked at the thought and shook her head. These thoughts weren’t going to help her in the long run.

“You should go for it,” Joey encouraged, flicking his eyes back to the guy.

Hayley frowned at him for a moment before her brain caught up again. Joey thought she was single. Wait, she was single. She blinked again and she shook off the drunk daze and slowly stepped back, spurred on by Joey’s encouraging grin.

The strange pair of hands slowly rested on her hips again and pulled her further back, resting her against a firm body. She tried her best to stop herself from comparing it to Taylor’s.

Forcing him out her head, she swallowed and allowed the man to move her, eventually falling into a comfortable rhythm. A rebellious spark flickered to life in her as the bass pounded in her ears and the alcohol warmed her head. She was single and she could dance with whoever she wanted. Chad and Taylor be damned.

“I’m Jake, by the way,” came a voice into her ear.

Hayley twisted slightly and reached for his neck to pull him down to her mouth. “Hayley,” she confirmed before twisting away. She hadn’t flirted with a stranger in over a decade and a weird rush of energy ran through her veins.

“Let me buy you a drink tonight,” Jake murmured into her ear.

Hayley nodded and rested her head back against the guy's shoulder as she enjoyed the feeling of dancing as she sped up the tempo of their hips, grinning at Joey who flashed his eyes at her as she watched him dance. He had long limbs but he knew how to co-ordinate them. The music was so loud and her body felt even sweatier but it was comforting somehow, and she felt her body relax.

She wasn’t sure how long she’d been in a daze when Joey suddenly grabbed her wrist and pulled her forward, frowning an apology to the guy behind her as they left. “Brian’s waving to you,” he explained as they left the dance floor, leading her to the bar where it was quieter.

“Hey,” Brian called, reaching for her other wrist to pull them through the crowd to the front of the bar. “What do you want?”

“Tequila,” Joey supplied before pointing at the back of the bar, “Going to the toilet. Back in a bit,” he called out before disappearing into the sweaty crowd.

Brian relayed the order to the bartender before turning to Hayley, flicking his eyes at the crowd once. “So who was that?” he asked.

“Who?” she grinned.

“You know who,” he said pointedly, “that guy.”

“Just some guy,” she said casually, wiping the sweat off her brow.

Brian’s forehead wrinkled. “Does Taylor know about this?”

“About what? Me dancing with some guy?” Hayley defended herself, not liking the look on Brian’s face.

“That there could be another guy.”

Hayley couldn’t stop her eyes from rolling as she waved him off. “I told you,” she said as the bartender placed six shots in front of them, “We aren’t a couple.”

Brian looked unconvinced as he handed over the money and pulled the tiny glasses towards them. Hayley grabbed one and downed it immediately, enjoying the rush in her head as she swallowed the liquid.

“Woah,” Brian laughed, “there’s no rush, we’ve got all night.”

Hayley nodded and laughed as the liquid burned her throat in a way she didn’t entirely hate. Brian picked up the rest of the shots in his hands and gestured for Hayley to lead the way to a table.

After pushing through the crowd, Hayley finally hopped onto a stool where it was quieter and waited for Brian to placed the drinks onto the table. She frowned as Brian pulled her second back and looked pointedly at her.

“Listen,” he began, “I’m all for you having fun. But I think you need to check with Taylor first before you do something you regret.

Hayley sighed and rubbed her brow. “I told you,” she sighed, “we aren’t a couple.”

“If you’re so sure, text him. Let him now and I’m sure he’ll be fine with it then,” Brian said simply.

Hayley glared but patted her pockets anyway. They weren’t a couple. Taylor knew that and maybe it was the alcohol talking but she didn’t feel as anxious to remind him as she did earlier. Sure, they had fallen asleep together today, but that still didn’t mean anything. He knew that’s how it was.

“I can’t get mine out,” Hayley whined, tugging harshly on the zipper. It usually worked when she was sober.

Brian rolled his eyes and pulled his out of his pocket before sliding it over the table.

  * B O’Connor: hey its me
  * B O’Connor: I’m talking to Brian and want to prove a point
  * B O’Connor: theoretically you wouldn’t care if I went home with another guy would you?
  * T York: Theoretically??
  * B O’Connor: yes
  * B O’Connor: or just hooked up or kiss or whatever
  * B O’Connor: you know what I mean
  * T York: theoretically yes, I would.



“Fuck.”

Brian winced as he read the chat and pulled his phone away. “I’m not going to say I told you so but,” he trailed off.

Hayley groaned as she buried her face into her hands. He was right and she knew it, as much as she tried to deny it. The situation had suddenly got a lot worse. “But we’re not a couple,” she tried.

Brian rubbed her shoulder sympathetically before looking over her shoulder. “The line for the toilet is massive, explain everything before Joey gets back,” he said, sliding her the shot.

Hayley nodded and knocked it back before running him through their history. He winced at parts and nodded understandingly at others as she explained her thinking. She didn’t go into detail about exactly what her brain was telling her but Brian knew her well enough that she assumed he understood what the problem was. Brian knew all about ex-husband trauma without her spelling it out for him.

Hayley wasn’t sure if she could even get the words out right now without the alcohol kicking in. She wasn’t usually an emotional drunk but finally being able to share her feelings with someone felt like the closest thing to a release that she’d felt in a while.

“Okay,” Brian finally said after she’d finished talking, “sounds to me like you and T aren’t a couple, but not because you don’t want to be,” he explained.

“It’s because I can’t,” she confirmed.

The music was still thumping around them as they spoke. It felt weird to have this conversation now but after those texts, she couldn’t avoid it now.

“Got it,” Brian nodded. “And that guy over there?”

“I don’t know,” Hayley confessed, “he wanted to dance so I danced! I guess the rush of the bar and the drink got to me, and Joey doesn’t know about T so he said I should go for it, so I did.”

“And do you regret it?”

“We just danced and flirted a little, nothing more,” Hayley responded immediately. “Did I think about Taylor? Yes, I did. But he agreed to this situation and he knows I can’t give him more so,” she shrugged.

“Did you want to get with that guy?” Brian asked.

“Not really,” Hayley answered truthfully, “But it felt good to have some fun for a bit. I want more with Taylor but I can’t so I might as well act like it.”

“Hayley,” Brian said slowly, “I don’t think you mean that.”

Hayley pursed her lips before she eventually sighed. “I know,” she dropped her head, “it’s just so confusing, even though I’m the one who’s made it like this. My brain won’t stop me from doing things I regret,” she said, “like I regret the way I mess Taylor around even though I can’t help it, I let him think I’m warming up to it and then I shut him down again.”

Brian nodded silently.

“Like I’m pretty sure he thought after this morning that I was warming up again,” she continued, “and then tonight I went and did that,” she pointed at the phone.

Brian grimaced and sighed. “Yeah sorry about that,” he winced, “I didn’t realise how complicated this all was.”

“It’s fine,” Hayley said, “I’ll talk to him about it tomorrow and apologise.”

Brian nodded again. “Are you going to find that guy again?”

Hayley shook her head. “Nah,” she said, “that was a spur of the moment thing. It felt good in the moment but it’s not worth it, you know?”

Brian hummed in agreement.

“I think that’s the right choice,” he nodded, “I can’t help you much with Taylor. I want you guys to be happy and we all know what will make you happiest in the end, but only you can get yourself there.”

“That was such a stupid thing to do,” Hayley groaned as she stared at the black screen, “I would have hit the roof if he texted me that. God, I’m so stupid.”

“Hey,” Brian cut her off, “we can fix that tomorrow. Let’s have fun whilst we're here and deal with that when we have to.”

Hayley nodded and jolted slightly as a pair of large hands grabbed her shoulders.

“Hey,” Joey called, “the line was massive and I got talking to this guy,” he explained.

“Don’t worry about it Joe,” Hayley smiled, trying to take Brian’s words on. There was no need to make a big deal of this now, she could fix it tomorrow. “These are yours,” she said, sliding the shots towards him.

Joey grinned and downed them quickly. “You ready to head back in there,” he asked, pointing behind him the crowd.

“Let’s go,” Brian called, reaching for Hayley’s hand. “Time for some fun.”

\--

They’d been dancing in the crowd for what felt like hours.

Hayley stayed close to the guys as they danced, politely shaking her head at several men who tried to catch her eye. Regardless of what she made Taylor think, she didn’t want anyone else.

Joey spun her quickly three times before pulling her back to him, swaying her hips in his. She chuckled at the face Brian pulled as he watched her uncoordinated feet, as the second tequila settled in. She still didn’t feel too drunk, but the pleasant haze that settled over all her worries was welcome.

They’d given up on talking minutes after they joined the crowd, the music was too loud of proper conversation anyway. She only noticed Jake had reappeared nearby when Joey squeezed her hips and tilted his head in that direction. Hayley shook her head at Joey, and he subtlety nodded before pulling her back to him protectively.

They settled back into a rhythm before he squawked in her ear.

“Zac?” he shouted, pointing to the man in question.

Hayley frowned at the sight of him, confused by his sudden appearance.

“They are all here,” Joey cried, laughing as the rest of their friends approached, pulling Logan in for a sweaty hug when he was close enough.

“Zac?” Hayley asked as her friend approached, shimmying his shoulders to the music.

“Taylor wanted to come,” he explained, pointing over his shoulder vaguely. “Practically forced us out,” he said casually

“Taylor?” she tried to remain casual as dread pooled in her stomach.

Zac nodded before moving to hug Brian, who laughed despite his confusion.

“Hey,” a voice called into her ear as hands pulled her hips to the side.

Hayley groaned internally at the sight of Jake. “I’m sorry but –”

“You don’t want a drink?” he asked cockily, pulling her closer to speak into her ear.

Hayley shook her head and placed her hands on his chest to get some distance. “No, I’m good thanks,” she said firmly, twisting to look for Brian.

It was then that she caught eyes with Taylor.

“Fuck,” she groaned. His jaw was tense and she could see the anger in his eyes, even from across the bar. He shook his head in disbelief as he stared at her.

“Sorry but no,” Hayley shoved Jake off and pushed through the crowd to get to Taylor. She could feel her gut twist in panic as he turned to leave the club, creating more distance between them.

“Taylor,” she called. “Wait and let me explain.

She apologised quickly as she pushed through the crowd, not caring enough to feel bad as people tutted.

“T, please,” she called again as she neared the door.

The cold air of the night hit her as she rushed out the door but she didn’t care. “Taylor, come on.”

He grunted as he pulled out a cigarette, struggling to light it as his hands shook.

“T,” she grabbed his arm as she finally reached him.

“Don’t,” he snapped, moving away again.

“Please,” she urged.

Taylor shook his head as he walked down the street.

“What? You want me to chase you or something?” she called as she followed.

“It’s all I seem to do for you,” Taylor spat back.

Hayley grabbed his arm again and pulled him to a stop, twisting him to face her.

His face was stony as he looked at her, taking another harsh drag.

“I didn’t mean those texts to seem like that,” she began before Taylor cut her off.

“Like what? Like you might hook up with some random guy in a club?” he asked pointedly.

“I wasn’t going to – ”

“Why not? It’s not like we are a couple or anything?” he spat, using her own line against her.

It hurt to hear him say that. Her chin wobbled as she thought what it must have felt like to him all this time.

“T, please,” she tried to get him to understand. “I’m sorry but this has all been a major misunderstanding.”

“Yeah I know,” his eyes shined, “I keep being under the impression that you’ve finally recognised what this is,” he said, “and then I get some texts like that and I see you with some guy.”

Hayley winced as his voice wobbled at the end.

“Taylor please listen to me,” Hayley begged.

“Why? So you can get my hopes up again?”

“I’m sorry,” she said, willing him to understand. “I’ve been a dick to you.”

“You said that this morning,” he pointed out as his mouth clenched.

“I keep messing up, I know I do,” she tried again.

“We slept together this morning Hayley,” he pointed out, “you never let that happen so what am I supposed to think when suddenly you change your mind?”

“I know,” Hayley stressed, “I haven’t been fair to you,” she paused as Taylor scoffed, “but you don’t know what it’s been like.”

“Oh, I don’t?”

Hayley winced, knowing she was mincing her words. “Taylor, I don’t know how to explain it, but I’m sorry.”

Taylor shook his head bitterly. “I know exactly what the problem is,” he said sadly, “and I get you’re still dealing with all that shit from the last few years, but I can’t be with you if you can’t even see what this is doing to me.”

Hayley recoiled like a punch had been thrown at her gut. “I know,” she said sadly. “It’s not about you,” she tried, “it’s me that’s all fucked up. You’ve got to know that.”

Taylor sniffed and blinked quickly before coughing. “Yeah well,” he laughed sadly, dropping his arms in resignation. “I can’t do this if it’s going to be like this,” he said, “I can’t go through something like this again.”

Hayley’s clenched her chin to stop it from wobbling as he looked at her. She knew exactly what he was referring to and it made her sick that she made him feel like that again.

“I’m sorry T,” she whispered, unable to get anything else out.

“I tried to be okay with this agreement, Hayley,” he explained, “but how am I meant to know what’s happening when you change your mind every five minutes?”

He echoed the very thoughts she’d had this morning. How selfish she’d been to think that was okay.

The streetlight above them flickered as they stood, chested heaving heavily.

Hayley swallowed as a bitter taste rose in her throat. He was right and she knew it.

“We gave it a go,” he said quietly. “Not everything works out.”

Hayley blinked. “Taylor,” she started.

He watched and waited as she fumbled to think of anything to say. He was completely right, and she knew it. There was no defence for how she’d choose to mess him about, and tonight had been the final straw.

Finally, she reached for his hand and he let her. “I’m really sorry,” she mumbled, trying to keep it together.

“I know,” he sighed bitterly, dropping the forgotten cigarette to the ground before stamping it out. “I’m gonna go,” he said, point over his shoulder, “shouldn’t have come anyway.”

“Let me come with you,” she asked.

“Nah,” Taylor shook his head, “need to be alone. Tell the guys I’ve gone, okay?”

Taylor stepped back and dropped her hand. “You know how I feel,” he said sadly, “let me know when you can deal with that.”

Hayley watched as he turned slowly and stalked up the road. The tense line of his shoulder was the same as this morning.

“Fuck,” she groaned. “Shit,” she cursed as stray tears fell, “shit,” she repeated as she wiped them away.

Hayley released a harsh breath as Taylor got in the cab and didn’t look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there we go! I think I'm going to end this there but let me know what you thought. I hope it was clear why Hayley was so erratic and inconsistent, I was trying to go for the self-sabotage she's spoken of so. Sorry if there are mistakes, proofreading isn't my forte and I wanted to get this out there so..
> 
> Anyway, please let me know what you thought!
> 
> Also fuck Josh Farro lol.

**Author's Note:**

> There we go! This was written in a day when I finally found the motivation to write again so sorry if its not great lol. I potentially have an idea for a follow up, so let me know if anyone interested or if I should just keep this as is.
> 
> Anyway, please let me know what you thought, thanks!


End file.
